My Brain Is Rather Bursting To Blog


I feel it only fair to warn you that this may be a very bizarre blog. My brain is all kinds of full of random thoughts that apparently want to escape the dark confines of the cranial prison they currently reside in. In other words, buckle up kiddies, this could be one very bumpy ride.

I was watching a documentary the other day about a group of Syrian citizens who were fighting against Isis by reporting their atrocities to the world. They record the executions and the food shortages and the child soldiers, and they do this even though they will be executed if they are caught. Many of them have had to flee their homeland due to being identified, moving from one ‘safe house’ to another, from one country to another. They continue showing the world the atrocities even as their family members or friends are found and killed as retaliation for their actions against these terrorists. These brave men are risking everything, have given up everything, to show the world what is happening to the innocent citizens of Syria. They are constantly at risk of being located by Isis and murdered. I truly admired their bravery and determination to fight. So when the documentary showed German citizens staging a protest against immigrants and refugees and chanting for them to be deported, I was absolutely appalled. Deport them?? Really? It would be kinder to just shoot them, since deporting them would be a guaranteed death sentence. It made me think about how people all over the world are all anti-immigration and, as usual, I got all kinds of disgusted. How can people be so cold and uncaring? Especially in America? We are literally a country made up of immigrants! How on earth can people now say we don’t want immigrants here?? It is mind-boggling to me how people can see what is happening to innocent civilians under Isis, but refuse to help them. Or see the desperate situations of so many others around the world. Sometimes, I truly don’t understand humans…and sometimes, I just don’t like them all that much.

My Sephi Rae turned one at the end of August! She is still very much a pup, but she is pretty much done growing I think. She is so adorable and sweet and silly and smart and cuddly and funny and cute and she’s a total mini moose and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. I sleep so much better since I got her, even if she is a total bed hog. She makes me smile every day and snuggling up with her on the couch is kinda my favorite thing.

I can’t believe summer’s over already. The Minnesota trip was beyond awesome and the Garth Brooks concert was amazing. Went to the park with Robby and Sephi a few times and let Sephi play in her pool a few times too. Anytime she’s in water, Sephi’s happy, so I tried to make that happen as often as I could, though I feel bad it didn’t happen more often. The river is too high to take her now, but hopefully it goes down enough to let her swim at least once more before it gets too cold. Can’t lie though, totally looking forward to thermals and hoodies and all that!

Dementia and Alzheimer’s and cancer can fuck all the way off. They creep in like some kind of vile ninjas, slowly, silently, insidiously invading loved ones and stealing bits and pieces of them away, gradually at first, so you barely notice anything is amiss. Then, suddenly, they spring from the darkness all at once, ramping up their attacks to devastating levels. All the while, you can do nothing but hold tightly to your loved one, trying desperately to hold their rapidly disintegrating self together, knowing you’re not enough, but refusing to let go. Often, cancer can be beaten back by medicine, medicine that is itself a necessary attack on your loved one. The others? They always win. We will inevitably lose our loved one to the hungry jaws of the memory monsters. I fucking hate them.

I’m reading a book about folks that have, through choice or circumstances, become modern day nomads. They live in vans or trailers or RVs or whatever and they travel from place to place for work and what not. On one hand, sounds kind of neat–no rent, see lots of cool stuff, traveling is cool, etc. On the other hand, and this is a biggie, I LOVE MY STUFF! My books, my movies, my oddities, my yard stuff, MY BOOKS, my dolls, my old suitcases, my snarky tees collection, my books, etc. My one bedroom apartment barely has room for my stuff (books), where the hell would I put all that in a van?!? I mean, some of these folks have storage spaces they rent by the year, but that would kinda defeat the purpose in my opinion. I mean, maybe if it was one of those bigger, fancy RVs with all the hidey hole storage spaces….maybe. I have an awful lot of books. And my Christmas ornaments don’t fit on my tree now, they definitely wouldn’t fit on a smaller tree! Yeah, don’t see it working out for me.


I have a lot of magnets on my fridge and I still want more, which is probably weird. I’ve never actually seen a rat ‘in the wild’, which is probably good considering my reaction to mice and bats. Rat-hunting dogs are rather small…probably so they can go where the rats are? EEWW! I definitely do NOT want to teach Sephi to catch rats–that is totally awful! In case you’re wondering, I’m watching a VICE news thing about rat hunters in New York. Well, Sephi is whining to go outside, so I better go. TTFN!

Peace Out Scouts!


Here I GO Again On My Blog…


Sorry it’s been so long, I totally suck, I’m fired from blogging, blah blah blah.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to introduce y’all to the one and only Persephone Rae Guccilatte Marchelle Novella (Sephi or Sephi Rae most of the time)! I adopted her from a rescue in Missouri the weekend before Halloween–she was 7 weeks old when I brought her home. She is smart and silly and lovable and sweet and goofy and, currently, obnoxious as hell. She just started her official training today to learn manners since right now she is pretty much a mini moose-zilla (fuck off spell check, that is totally the only word to describe her), mowing down everyone with her enthusiastic adoration/attention whoring. She is my emotional support dog and she has truly brought so much light and life into my world, I don’t know what I’d do without her.

The day I brought Sephi home
Here she is around Christmas time
“Paint me like one of your French girls”
Here she is a couple weeks ago at her favorite perch, leaning on the arm of the couch and keeping watch out the window.

So I had a super exciting thing happen in my usually not exciting life! I am constantly entering the giveaways on Goodreads–I mean, c’mon, it’s free books people! I never win, of course, but I enter the giveaways anyway. Call me an optimist or maybe an idiot, whatever. Anyway, when I saw that they were doing giveaways for the Bloggess’ new book, I entered them every chance I got. AND I ACTUALLY FRICKING WON!!!!!!! I won Jenny Lawson’s new book Broken!!!!! I not only finally won a book, I won my favorite author’s book!! And it actually already came in the mail and I’m almost done reading it and it’s amazing and EVERYONE ON THE PLANET SHOULD READ HER BOOKS!!

Next week I’m going in for a new procedure and I have to admit I’m a bit nervous. See, I have this issue with my lower back where it basically kinda aches all the time, especially if I stand too long or sit still too long or walk too much or, you know, live. Then, sometimes, just for kicks, my lower back just loses its fucking mind and completely freaks out and hurts so bad that breathing is painful and it goes on for a day or two days or up to a week and it sucks utterly. I have been trying trigger point shots and different meds and such but nothing really helps except the couple times it was so bad I actually went to the ER and they gave me, like morphine or something, but that’s not exactly something I want to do every time my back tries to kill me. So my pain clinic and my doc recommended I get an epidural…you know, the big ol’ spine area shot the give ladies when they’re in labor?!?! Yeah, it’s like that, except apparently it’s not the same medicine…but it’s still a needle IN MY SPINAL AREA! Now, I am totally not someone who has an issue with needles. I have absolutely no issue with needles 99.9% of the time. It’s just, well, IT’S MY SPINE! I will of course do it, it’s just a teensy weensy bit nerve wracking. Cause it’s my spine.


I would TOTALLY attend a duck fashion show and it would be ah-mazing, because the ducks are waddling around in little dresses and hats and that is a level of adorable that would make my whole year. It’s a little disturbing how excited I was to discover that Discovery+ has EVERY SINGLE episode of Toddlers and Tiaras. I know most folks ranted and raved about how awful that show was, but obviously people watched it since it lasted so many seasons. I’m just being honest about the fact that it is a guilty pleasure of mine. I find it beyond entertaining–it’s like Rupaul’s Drag Race in miniature…only not. Also, if folks were fair, there were a lot of kids who honestly loved getting all made up like a princess and doing the pageants, and some of the parents weren’t crazy or pushy or any of that. Granted, most of the parents they showed were bat-shit, since they make much more entertaining TV, but not all of the parents were that way. Admittedly, I find the whack-jobs beyond entertaining, even when I find their behavior utterly reprehensible, if for no other reason than I can sit and scornfully mock and belittle them while feeling delightfully superior, which is probably wrong and such, but it is totally true. That’s one of the best parts of watching many of my favorite shows actually–Cops, Intervention, Hoarders, Beyond Scared Straight, Toddlers and Tiaras, etc. I mean, how do you not feel better about yourself and your life choices while watching someone insist the drugs a cop found in their underwear aren’t theirs or when someone’s home is so stuffed with crap that a shovel is needed just to unearth the floor? Okay, maybe if you’re a really good person, you wouldn’t sit there feeling all better about yourself, but I’m okay with the fact that I’m a rather snarky, judgmental bitch. I came up with a new word recently, well I think it’s new anyway. I noticed a fella had installed a hook and eye latch to hold his trucks tailgate in place and I thought to myself that he must have been very impressed with his own redneckery, but spellcheck isn’t telling me it isn’t a word so apparently I totally did not invent it. Which makes sense because it seemed like a word that should already exist since it was a super fun word and very appropriate. I should really go pick up Sephi’s poo while she’s sleeping cause then it’s easier to go outside without her wanting to come out too, which I totally do not want her to do since she is super unhelpful in poo pickup. It would be neat if I had a service monkey to pick up the poo for me. Oh! And the monkey could ride around on Sephi’s back and play fetch with her (if she ever figures out that she has to let go of the toy she wants you to throw in order for you to throw the darn thing) and they could be BFFs and my pup would totally NOT eat my monkey because she’s going to be well-trained by then, and it would be AWESOME.

Peace Out, Girl Scouts!

Suicidal Spiders And Other Annoyances


So, I’m pretty sure a cult of suicidal spiders has moved into my apartment.  See, I always make it a point to periodically announce “if I don’t see you, I don’t squish you spiders!” throughout my apartment, giving spiders plenty of warning about how things work around here.  I feel this is incredibly thoughtful of me, considering spiders give me the heebie-jeebies.  However, they also devour bugs, which I also loathe, so they have that going for them whereas most bugs are just creepy little icky things that just need to go away.  Which means I don’t really WANT to kill spiders…but…well, they were warned darn it.  The past week has been particularly spidery and it is becoming exceedingly annoying.  I have had to squash 3 spiders in my bathroom and 2 in my bedroom!  Seriously y’all, I think I have some sort of suicide spider cult on my hands!  I mean, I have clearly warned them–repeatedly and in an increasingly shrill shriek–what will happen if they cross my path!  yet they continue to prance right on out into the open, heading straight for me and, ultimately, their demise.  And every stinking time I am forced to squish one of these kamikaze spiders, I stand there waving the instrument of squish and hollering, “Damn it, I said if I don’t see you I don’t squish you!” at the stupid thing.  As thought this will somehow make him see the error of his ways.  Like he’ll suddenly stop, smack his tiny spider forehead (do spiders even have a forehead?) and say, “Oh!  You’re quite right!  I am dreadfully sorry, it simply slipped my mind!  Won’t happen again!” before turning and politely getting the hell out of my apartment.  Somehow, don’t picture that happening.

I start my self quarantine tomorrow.  For the next 2 weeks, I am totally going to hermit myself off from the world as much as possible.  Absolutely no unnecessary trips to the store, no visits with friends, no polite chatting with the oh-so-friendly neighbor—nothing.  If I do have to go to the store for some unavoidable reason, I will don the gloves and mask ensemble.  In other words, I will actually do all the stuff they have been suggesting we all do anyway that I have only sorta done.  All so I can go see the niece and sister and the Steve.  Since my niece has a weaker immune system, she is in the high risk category for Covid (which I am as well, I just don’t worry about me so much).  I refuse to take any chances with her health, so I am going into social lock down for the 2 weeks proceeding my visit to do my best to ensure I don’t do anything to inadvertently endanger her.

I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that they are starting to reopen stores and such.  On the one hand, yay for shopping!  On the other hand, the number of cases is increasing every day.  People are all kinds of eager to holler about their rights and how this is ‘Merica and no one can keep them from their freedom to shop and whatnot.  I totally get the folks who are out of work wanting to reopen so they get their jobs back, but the folks hollering loudest aren’t those folks–nope, they’re the douche canoes that just don’t like being told they can’t do something.  Kind of like when you tell a toddler he can’t touch a hot stove and then that becomes that which he most wants in the whole world.  And I really don’t get warm fuzzy feelings when they start talking about how it’s mostly ‘just people with pre-existing conditions’ that are hardest hit, that are dying.  First off, that’s not entirely accurate as there are tons of instances where someone was perfectly healthy before contracting Covid and they still died from it.  Secondly, folks should take a minute and think about the people that fall into that category.  It isn’t just frail old people in nursing homes.  It’s me.  It’s my 12-year-old niece.  My friend’s 11-year-old son.  My bff/cousin Robby.  My little cousin who was born premature.  The list of people I love who fall into that category is long, and I’m willing to bet it is for most folks if they actually think about it.  Guess we’ll just have to go with the flow for now and see how everything goes.


I was watching some videos of actual 911 calls and I decided it is a really good thing I never tried to do that job.  I have little to no patience for stupidity, nor could I pretend to have sympathy for someone who just slaughtered their family/lover/friend/etc.  One video in particular left me absolutely bewildered.  A man called 911 when he somehow drove himself into a lake.  He was still in the sinking vehicle when he dialed 911.  He told the lady where he was and what had happened and when she asked what kind of car it was he answered’ “a brand new Cadillac”…that’s right kiddies, he went to the trouble to point out that his rapidly sinking vehicle was brand new.  He and the dispatcher went back and forth a bit and the call abruptly cut off.  The man was found dead in his fully submerged SUV.  The dispatcher was reprimanded because she never told him to exit the vehicle.  *stunned silence*  Y’all, if you are in a vehicle that goes into a lake, why the hell would you need someone to TELL YOU to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE GD CAR?!?!?!?  Seriously?!?  NO one would need to tell me this.  I would definitely be able to figure that one out all on my own.  Shit, I would of been scrambling out Duke boy style as soon as the car hit the water!  No way in hell would I be waiting in there for someone to TELL me to get out!

My buddy Desi has decided that from now on, anytime I tell her a story, she’s going to record me.  Apparently, she is convinced my weirdo story telling would be amusing to people on the internet.  I personally think people would find me beyond whackado and rather obnoxious.  But what do I know, people find it amusing to watch grown folk pee on themselves on purpose so there’s that.

I hope I get to plant my flowers today.  And make hamburger surprises!  If I do, I will post pics and the recipe for surprises (one of my fave foods ever).

Laters Gators!

Another Blog! Already!


It’s totally crazy cakes, right?  Two blogs in the same month?  Just nutty!  Even weirder, I don’t really have anything in particular to blog about.  I guess I could grouch about the fact that I still haven’t received my COVID-19 stimulus check.  Starting to think my bad luck fairy has decided to rear her ugly, evil-assed head to somehow screw things up once again.  I have no choice but to wait and see if the darn thing ever appears, since I have no control over it at all.  Siiiiiigh.

I have three appointments this week, aside from my usual PT and counseling.  I will be seeing my foot doctor, my pain clinic, and the balance therapist.  I still find it a bit amusing and slightly disconcerting that my balance sucks enough that they decided I need specialized testing to pinpoint the issue or issues causing the problem.  I mean, I’ve always had sucky balance and issues with vertigo, and the whole stupid foot/leg thing has just made it even worse.  But I didn’t think it was THAT bad.  Okay. maybe I did know it was pretty bad, but I just figured it is what it is, right?  Anywho, I managed to get all three appointments scheduled on the same day, since they’re all in the same clinic.  Three appointments all in one trip!


The documentary I’m watching has these titles/descriptions throughout, basically simplistic introductions to each item of discussion.  I’m fine with that….except that they frickin’ misspelled YACHT.  YACHT, y’all.  They spelled it YATCH!  Good grief.

I really need to get a little garbage can to put next to my little work area/kitchen table.  Ooh, and blackout curtains for my living room windows so I can watch TV from my work area without the giant glare.

A huge thanks to T and J for being amazing!!

Peace out, trout!


This May Be A New Record Folks!


This may actually be the longest I’ve gone without blogging y’all.  Pretty sure I annihilated my previous slacker record entirely! Not even sure I can do an adequate catch up summary, though I will at least attempt a super condensed version of events since I’m considerate like that.

Okay, here goes: on disability now, in my own adorable little apartment, have an equally adorable non-shitty vehicle, still in physical therapy for my still stupid leg/foot, etc etc etc. So yeah, that about sums it up I guess.

So, now that we are all caught up, let’s move on to current events.  Corona. Covid 19. Social distancing. It’s nuts out there, and here in Iowa, things are decidedly extra stupid.  Our governor adamantly refuses to do the whole official state lock down thing, stating that the folks here in Iowa are doing a great job of being cautious and smart about things all on our own without any lock down.  Then she decided that, maybe, just maybe, certain counties should be sternly told to, like, seriously be extra careful and stuff.  Now our number of cases is steadily climbing, Linn county has refrigerated trucks on standby as mobile morgues due to the fact that they are predicting the death toll will soon begin to exceed anything they can handle.  And still our goobernor still claims we are doing just dandy here in the great state of Iowa.  Yep, we Iowans are doing an excellent job of be careful and cautious and all that!  Well, kinda…sorta…maybe.  Except the folks taking the whole damn family up into Walmart and every other store they possibly can.  I admit, I have gone into the store with one or two others once or twice when we each had shopping to do for our individual households–I am not perfect.  However, I have no one to do my shopping for me, so I have to go out and, for the most part, I go by myself to get whatever I need or whatever my aunt and uncle need (I’m trying to get them to stay home as much as possible since they are both very high risk).  But whole families just meandering through Walmart for shits and giggles is a whole different thing.  Or the folks who have removed the caution tape to allow their children to play on the playground with other random children (at least in the places where there is caution tape–some playgrounds are just wide open).  Or the folks having barbecues with their buddies.  Just yesterday, my friend saw several entire families at the store in Cedar Rapids, I saw at least three fairly large get-togethers going on at various houses here in town.  And the orange idiot is encouraging folks to ignore the social distancing idea in favor of opening everything back up again, and since a mind-boggling number of folks around here are die hard fans of the orange idiot, that is totally going to encourage the idiots to keep idioting.  Thankfully, the liquor store here in town is an essential business and will be open throughout everything because, priorities! But we are doing an excellent job of being cautious here in Iowa!

Enough about that stuff, onto non-plague babbling!

I have a brand new laptop!  I was approved to receive one through Vocational Rehabilitation and it arrived right on my doorstep Saturday.  It is totally nifty and fancy and now I have no excuse to avoid writing, which is awesome…and slightly terrifying.  I have struggled with this a lot.  I love writing.  But I am so sure that I’m not good enough at it that I just stopped writing.  I worry that everything I write is just rambling, crappy, stupid, ridiculous crap.  But now, I have to squash that shit.  I have to basically learn to tell that annoying negative fucker hollering nasty things at me in my brain to cram it.  That little bastard is an amazingly persistent fucker, and he just loves to make me doubt myself and my writing.  So, I have decided I will head-on tackle him on the writing shit, and ninja fight him in therapy on the self-hatred shit.  Eventually, I will kick the entire living shit out of him and such.  Until then, I will simply have to learn to tune him out or whatever I need to do in order to get back to writing.  So there.  Take that, annoying fuckface in my head!


I’ve kinda become a crazy bird lady.  I set up bird feeders outside my window, right where I can watch the birdies come chow down while I work on my laptop or whatever.  I guess I’m sort of a stalker…I’m like a bird creeper or something.  Odd.

Having allergies and asthma during this whole Covid-19 thing is both annoying as fuck and kind of hilarious.  I can clear an aisle at Walmart with one cough, which is far more amusing than it should be.  But, it does get super annoying to have everyone look at you like you’re typhoid Mary or something.  I think I need to start wearing a sign that says something like, “it’s not covid, I’m allergic to the planet” or some such thing.

I’ve started doing puzzles.  A lot of puzzles.  Like, a whole lot of puzzles.  Usually they’re 1000 piece puzzles, of all different sorts of things.  I’ve done scenery puzzles and painting puzzles and puzzles of various collections (movie posters, cereal boxes over the years, old toys, etc) and bunches of others.  Basically, any puzzle I found at Goodwill or Stuff Etc. that seemed nifty, I bought it.  I’ve done, like, 30 puzzles in the last 2 months.

My kitchen table has become my ‘work’ table.  I do my puzzles there, work on my laptop there, work on my sewing there, etc.  I love having the space to do this stuff!  I’ve started making some progress on my mission to learn to sew!  I’ve made two face masks–the first one my sis and I did together via Skype, the second one I did all by my lonesome!  That’s right kiddies, I totally sewed a legit thing all by myself!  And over the last couple weeks I baked banana bread and cooked eggs on the actual stove!  I’m practically Suzy motherfuckin’ homemaker y’all!

I miss my girl time with Caron and Dany.

And I’m sooooooo bummed out that my visit from Carrie, Elise, and Chloe has been postponed not once, but twice!  They were totally coming to visit me and my adorable apartment and the fam here in Iowa and twice now those plans were destroyed.  First by a snowstorm, now by a frickin’ plague.  Siiigh.

I got a letter in the mail from Chloe and the very next week, Elise sent me a card!  They are hanging up in my apartment and they made my whole month.  Particularly the note from Elise, which is hung above my sink where I see it several times each day.  It was, and is, a beautiful and touching little note and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy every time I look at it.  Big thanks to my amazing nieces for being, well, amazing!

Todaloo, Kangaroo!

So I’m A Murderer And I May Be Having A Nervous Breakdown


Just to clarify, I’m not having a nervous breakdown because I’m a murderer.  Not to say that being a murderer isn’t traumatic and such, just not, you know, nervous breakdown kind of traumatic. Especially since I’m fairly certain that it was more of an involuntary manslaughter really…except it was mouseslaughter, and spellcheck can go to hell because if manslaughter is a word, than mouseslaughter should be one too!  Anyway, I think Zeke may have been suicidal.

In my last post, I told y’all about Zeke, the mouse that was stalking me and hanging out in my bathroom and bedroom.  I had set several traps for him of all sorts, though I kept telling him to go in the no-kill trap–regaling him with tales of how great the field near my house would be for him once I released him into its awesomeness.  I was beginning to think he was some super ninja mouse or something, since he kept appearing in places that required him to go over or alongside a trap, yet he was still just strutting around like he owned the place.  So I was starting to think Zeke was a mother fuckin’ ninja mouse.  He was all like, “Yeah right lady, like I’m gonna fall for your bullshit traps.”  Then yesterday, my aunt says she saw a mouse dropping in the kitchen.  So my uncle asked for one of the traps he had given me so he could put one in the kitchen.  I went to get it, and lo and behold, Zeke had met his end in the trap.  I immediately started shrieking, “I murdered him!  He’s dead!” and “Get him out! Get him out!  Gethimoutgethimoutgethimout!” while doing the freaked out, flailing about dance. My uncle was laughing so hard he couldn’t stand.  At that point, my voice may have gotten even shriller.  “Oh my god this isn’t funny!  He’s dead and I’m a murderer and there is a frickin’ mouse corpse in my room and you need to GET HIM OUT!”  As my uncle kept laughing and my aunt was making unhelpful comments about getting so upset over a mouse, I kept up my harpy-like shrieking and my spastic freaked out dance.  Finally, my uncle got his laughter under control and managed to remove Zeke’s remains from my room.  Leaving me alone with my guilt and unanswered questions.  Why did he run into that trap?  He’d run past it who knows how many times, and then he gets smooshed in it.  And why did he go for one of the murder traps instead of the no-kill trap?  It’s like he didn’t even want to go frolic in the field!  Maybe he was suicidal or something.  Who knows with mice.

Last week I had a bit of a nervous breakdown.  I’m going to be honest here and say that I am pretty much constantly on the brink of a freak out or breakdown.  See, the way things are for me right now leaves me feeling hopeless and helpless and depressed and anxious and frustrated and lonely and worthless and overwhelmed and useless and bothersome and angry and pathetic and empty and broken and brittle.  I just feel buried in the rubble of my life.  So it doesn’t take much to send me spiralling down.  Last week, it was a relative being unkind and getting pissed off at me over the stupidest shit and then other family members got involved and I just kinda lost it.  I called my friend Tom and pretty much had a complete meltdown.  I sobbed and ranted and sobbed some more, yelling at him when he said he understood because no one understands!  And I yelled how much I just wanted to be done, and then I sobbed some more.  The reality is that, sometimes, I just have to let myself stop.  Stop being strong.  Stop pretending everything is fine.  Stop fighting the battle against the part of my brain that hates me, the part that would end me if I’d let it.  Stop hiding the horrific pain that is eating me alive.  I screamed that I wanted to die, and I do.  Then I screamed that I hate that I can never do anything about it, that I can’t kill myself.  Not because I’m scared or anything–I’m not.  I can’t kill myself because I can’t forget how it felt to be the one left behind, to feel the emptiness and pain.  No matter how my brain tries to convince me that no one would care if I died, I know it’s bullshit.  I know there are people who love and care for me, people who would inherit this pain I so wish I could escape.  So, instead of listening to that rotten shit my brain tells me, I allow myself to have a breakdown.  I hate the idea of being weak or vulnerable and will fight it as long as possible.  Unfortunately, these freak outs are happening more and more often as I feel less and less control over my life.  I hate it…but I know that i will have my freak out and then I will suck it up and keep going.  My screaming and yelling and sobbing will be followed by laughter and life will go on.

Actual conversation with Robby when I got lost going to pick him up:

Me: I think I’m lost…shit I am definitely lost…pretty sure

Robby: Well, where are you?  How did you get lost, I gave you directions.

Me: All I heard was to go down Ford Street and keep going and then I think I stopped listening.  And I don’t know where I am!  If I knew that, I wouldn’t be calling you!

Him: I’m not sure how much help I can be if I don’t know where you are.  Any signs?

Me:  Hmm…nope, no signs.

Him: Well what do you see?  Anything helpful?

Me: Um…fields?  A Barn?  Everything looks the same cause I’m in the damn country!  But I turned around and am heading back toward town now.

Him:  Yeah, welcome to Iowa.  Ok, you’re turned around…good.  Now look for (insert random street number cause I’ve already forgotten it)

Me: Ok. Oh yay, a street sign. Oh. Yeah, I’m not even telling you that street number.

Him: Seriously, what was it?

Me: (insert much larger number than the previous one since I have also forgotten that one but totally remember it was not even close)

Him: How the heck did you get that far out there??

Me: Um, I followed your directions remember?

Him: I told you to turn on that street, not drive into the middle of nowhere

Me: Yeah, but you know how well I listen and I totally heard the part about heading out on Ford…and then I apparently missed the rest of it

Him: Obviously

Me: Hey, it’s not like you’ve never met me. You know how well I pay attention! So really, it’s almost your fault I’m lost. Oh! I think I see the sign. Maybe. And I think I might blog this conversation.

Him: Okay. When you see it, you’re going to turn east.

Me:…what the shit? Did you just direction me?

Him: Well, if you’re going to blog this, I should sound all specific and technical

Me: I don’t speak directions! Right or left, bucko, none of this east shit.

Him: Are you there yet?

Me: Yes, and you’re lucky I can only turn that way

And then there were giant potholes he forgot to warn me about, and deer chillin near the road, and apparently my windshield is breathing.



Actual comment I heard on a documentary this week: (man explaining why they think marrying first cousins is a good thing) Think about it, you already know their family and everyone is happier!

I love seeing my little cousins–they are hilariously awesome little shits and I adore them!

I’m relatively certain I would suck at living outside…especially since the planet wants to kill me and I don’t deal well with being cold…or hot…and I hate bugs.

Peace out, trout!

I Finally Have Stuff To Write About Y’all


So, yeah, I haven’t written a blog in about a zillion years.  Why?  Cause my life isn’t exactly riveting nowadays.  I mean, who wants to read blog after blog full of edge of your seat stuff like “Stayed home all day once again” or “Went to a doctors appointment, then came home. Again.”  Not exactly the kind of thrilling entertainment most folks are gonna be excited by.  Not that my newest updates are super exciting but, compared to the usual snooze-fest, it’s damn near astounding.

First though, quick general update: still not able to work, still waiting for disability determination, still utterly bereft of feline/canine companionship, still living with my aunt and uncle, still striving for hermit status, etc etc etc.

Okay, so that’s out of the way. Onto my first tidbit of yay news! I GOT MY LICENSE BACK!!!! I can officially drive myself to my own darn appointments now and I can go to the store whenever I want and I can go visit the small number of folks that I actually want to visit and I can go have coffee with my former advisor before she retires and I can just drive around the state park when I start to feel trapped and stir crazy.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being at home, but more so when it’s MY home…by myself…in solitude.  It’s a little bit of freedom and control coming back into my life and I am beyond grateful that my doctor finally cleared me to drive and Tom is getting Betsey up and going and Ronald and Virginia don’t have to be my drivers anymore (though I will be eternally grateful for the fact that they willingly carted me to the many, many doctors appointments and grocery store runs and such for the last 16 months or so)!  I picked Betsey up from the mechanic place today, so hopefully she’ll be good to go now.  The poor ol’ girl sat in the driveway that whole time, so she needed a bit of TLC (jumped the battery, added fuel stabilizer, added antifreeze, got her unstuck from the ice that tried to keep her in pace, sorta fixed her side mirror, had to replace 2 brake lines, and will be replacing her windshield washer fluid receptacle and her cracked windshield and her window roller-upper thingy and her serpentine belt and hopefully, last but not least, fix her AC).  What can I say, she a cantankerous old lady.

Next tidbit of news is a bit less yay-worthy, but whatever.  I have to have surgery on my thumb next month.  Apparently, trigger thumb is really a thing and, lucky me, I have it.  Tried the whole big shot in my thumb joint bit, and it worked…for a couple months.  Then it wore off and now my dumb thumb is all crabby and hateful.  So I agreed to get the surgery, which I’m having done on the 19th of April.  It feels like a really long time to have to deal with this annoyingly displeased thumb and its constant unpleasantness, but it is what it is.  Oh, and I also agreed to getting the surgery done with just a local anesthetic (boo yeah, spelled that right on the first try!), which means I’ll be all kinds of conscious throughout the procedure.  On one hand, I’m totally psyched because, well, I’m sick like that.  I thought watching them stitch my thumb was awesome, so this should be way cooler.  The only thing that worries me is that I have to sit still through the whole darn thing.  Now, knowing myself as I do, this may prove damn near impossible.  For one, I’ll totally be trying to see what they’re doing, craning and wiggling and straining to get a better view.  Then there’s the fact that, as a general rule, I’m a fidgety, twitchy, itchy mess at the best of times, and get progressively worse the harder I try to be still.  So hopefully I don’t move at the wrong time and permanently fuck my shit up.

I have my disability determination doctor visit the day before my surgery.  I had my final hearing way back in August.  I must admit, if I had the option to say ‘fuck it’ and just go back to work, I probably would.  I hate this.  I hate having to admit that I can’t adult without help, that my body simply will not do what I want it to.  I hate that my mantra of ‘suck it up buttercup’ doesn’t work well enough anymore.  I hate that I’m 42 years old and my body has betrayed me.  I hate that my friend has to pay my bills while I wait for this stupid disability determination because I can’t just go back to work.  I hate that I now have ANOTHER damn health issue that makes everything that much harder.  Most of all, I hate that I feel so utterly powerless.

Apparently, the whole DVT blood clot and its ensuing delights left me with more than the super sexy scars on my leg.  I now get to add something called Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome to my list of health issues.  Basically, it means that a bunch of the little nerves in my foot and lower leg are now just worthless lumps of stupid.  I have several areas on my foot that have little to no feeling, my foot can no longer regulate temperature so my toes are always freezing, I have to actually concentrate in order to make my foot land the right way while walking (which is completely bizarre), I have a super hot swagger (okay, it’s a limp, but swagger sounds way cooler), swelling, pain, etc.  And best of all, it’s is almost guaranteed that all this delightfulness is permanent! yay

Last tidbit for y’all!  I’m not sure how many folks remember my encounter with the bat in my apartment many, many years ago, but I’ll give a quick summation.  I had a bat get into my apartment while I was home alone one night.  I spotted it and, of course, shrieked and hid under my blanket.  Then I laid there, berating myself for being such a chicken shit.  I reminded myself about all the factoids I learned from documentaries on Discovery (like I said, this was a long time ago).  So I convince myself that when the bat lands on my blanket, which he totally will, I will quickly throw the blanket over him, grab that bundle of bat filled blanket gingerly, and chuck the whole thing right out the front door (free blanket for my sketchy neighbors!) and all will be right with the world.  Yeah.  Not exactly what happened.  Instead, the bat landed on the blanket and I totally LOST MY SHIT–shrieking and flailing at the blanket like a demented toddler trapped in their suddenly carnivorous blanket fort.  I ended up falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion at some point later that night, firmly tucked under my blanket from head to toe.  When I told my landlord and my boyfriend about the incident, they not only couldn’t find the damn bat, they started looking at me like I was making it up or something.  Come on, if I was making it up, wouldn’t I have made myself sound just a tiny bit less like a total wuss???  Sorry for the trip down memory lane, but it is a bit relevant to this story.  So the other night I was in our kitchen and thought I saw a mouse.  Dismissed it because it was just a quick movement out of the corner of my eye.  Figured I was just seeing things or whatever.  Yeah, not so much.  Later that night, I’m in  my bathroom, minding y own business while doing my business, and in runs a frickin’ mouse.  Want to take a wild guess how calmly I reacted to my nocturnal invader??  Yeah, about like you’d think.  There was a lot of screeching and flailing about, which is exceedingly awkward while perched on a toilet.  Needless to say, I finished my business and got outta there in record time.  Trouble is, my room is right next to the bathroom, so I was just certain the little fiend would follow me.  Sure enough, my heart beat had barely returned to normal when that little bastard went tearing through my room.  After more shrieking and flailing about, I started trying to reason with the little beast.  I was all “Look here mouse, you have to go away.  If you stay here, bad things will happen.” And then it ran right along the clothes hanging in my closet! Y’all, I really freaked then.  Leave it to me to be stalked by a crackhead mouse who apparently has no interest in food, just running around randomly, freaking me out.  So the next day I headed to Walmart to gets some traps.  Now, in case you have forgotten, I am a complete bleeding heart.  Therefore, I wanted the sort of traps that let you catch the vile beastie without killing it.  Helpful hint folks: do not ask for no kill mouse traps at a store in a town filled with country folk.  They will look at you like you are some kind of dim-witted freak.  So I was forced to buy the murdery sort of traps instead, which makes me feel decidedly not warm and fuzzy.  But it was in my room, and that is simply not acceptable.  So now I wait, torn between hoping I catch the little fucker and dreading it.  Preferably, he just left the house right back out wherever he came from.  But he really doesn’t seem that bright.  Sigh.


I saw a guy at the grocery store a couple weeks ago wearing a big cowboy hat and a big old belt buckle…and velcro shoes.

I’m so excited my buddy Krystal is back!  Can’t wait to go visit, now that I have the ability.

This guy I always called purple truck guy died recently and it got me thinking…I wonder what moniker folks would give me?

I’ve read 66 books so far this year.

I’m sad that I missed my chance to take part in the prison book club.

My 11 yr old niece will get a stamp on her passport this week.  I’ve never even had a passport lol!  I hope they have an awesome trip!

I wish Netflix wasn’t so judgy about how long you binge out on a show, bugging you about whether you’re still watching.  I just wanna be like, yes I’m still here so leave me alone and stop making me acknowledge my wasted life, Netflix, you bastard!

Tomorrow is World Down Syndrome Day!

That’s all for now kiddies!

Peace out!


Yeah, I’ve Been A Sucky Slacker


I have totally sucked at being a blogger.  I totally admit that.  In my defense, I have been going through a lot of less than delightful crappiness.  I am going to try to do better though–I promise!

So, health updates first just to get them out of the way.  My bad foot is still bad and it appears that the nerve damage done by the clot is here to stay.  My ‘good’ foot is all about driving me crazy with the whole diabetic nerve pain thing.  Apparently, I also have whacked out levels of hinky-ness going on with my blood, with some stuff all super elevated and other stuff super depleted.  I am so anemic they are going to do some IV treatments to try to bring up my iron levels and such.  My stomach is still being a bit of a bitch with nausea and poor digestion and such.  Overall, good times and fun abound in the world of me.

I had a great afternoon/evening last week, spending time with some of my college professors that I haven’t gotten to see much since I graduated.  It was great to discuss books and life and such with these wonderful people!  I was super psyched to find out i may be able to participate in their prison book club again!  I had the opportunity to do this twice while I was in school, and I absolutely loved it.  I learned so much from those experiences and, honestly, it made me realize I had a lot more prejudice/bias than I thought. I went into it thinking we’d be all generously bestowing our knowledge with folks that would be all awed by our smarts and such.  Yeah, I was stupidly, completely, utterly wrong.  Those guys blew us away with their insights and intelligence.  It showed me that, just because these men had lived different lives and made choices that landed them in the prison, they were far from stupid or clueless.  It was an amazingly humbling experience that I would love to participate in again.  I was also offered a chance to be a future guest blogger for the English program thing!

I am extremely excited about my plans for this June–I am hoping to spend most of the month with my sis and my niece and the rest of the fam!!  I am soooooooooo excited to ‘get away’ for a few weeks and spend tons of time with my family!  Hanging out with Carrie and Chloe and Steve and, when possible, Elise and Alex and Drew, will be relaxing and fun and exciting and amazing.  Being unable to drive and spending almost all my time feeling trapped here at home is really starting to take a toll on me, and I need a break.  A break from being a hermit in my room, a break from all the doctor appointments being one of the only times I get out of the house, a break from spending 90%+ of my time by myself in my room.  I figure their will be some minor issues with arranging the whole blood thinner tests and stuff like that, but I am going to do my darndest to make it work.  I cannot wait!


There is a chick that works at one of my doctor’s offices and she has the weirdest hair I’ve ever seen.  Noodle has accompanied me to this office twice now, and both times we just couldn’t stop staring at this woman’s insane hairdo.  i’ll have to get the picture Noodle surreptitiously took of that bizarre hairdo and post it so y’all can see it.  Like, seriously, it is utterly baffling that she purposely does this whacky oversized bird nest looking thing to her hair everyday!  Why did they have to go and try to ‘update’ all the great stuff from my childhood?  My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears were fine just the way they were, darn it!  Nerve pain is stupid.  I think I would be a very difficult candidate for What Not to Wear, if it was still on.  A tall fat chick that loathes heels and pointy toed shoes and dresses and skirts and blazers and makeup and all that–it wouldn’t give them much of a chance for their idea of success.

Toodaloo Kangaroos!

It’s Been A Rough Couple Of Months Y’All


So I have have quite a bit of catching up to do–you might wanna grab some popcorn and get settled in.

For most of October, I had been having some really annoying foot and leg pain.  Initially, I chalked it up to fibromyalgia but as it got worse and worse, I decided to go to the doctor to see why it was so bad.  So on November 2, I marched my little happy, gimpy self to the doctors office.  Without even glancing at my foot, which was swollen and splotchy looking by this point, she also pronounced it a fibro sort of issue and told me to return if it was still hurting in a week.  So I went to work that night.  Luckily, my bestie Desi was working with me, since the pain in my leg and foot got progressively worse as the night went on, making me essentially useless all night.  By the time I was off work, I was sobbing in pain and it felt like my foot was full of broken glass.  By the next morning, my foot looked and felt even worse.  I actually handle pain fairly well, but it was getting to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore.  There was no way in hell I would be able to work that night, so I had Virginia take me to the ER.  Within a very short amount of time, they informed me that I had a blood clot in my leg–a big one.  They shipped me off to Cedar Rapids in an ambulance, which was decidedly less fascinating than I would have anticipated.  All I cared about, of course, was the fact that they had started giving me pain meds so my leg/foot stopped feeling like they were going to murder the rest of me.  Things become a bit hazy for me after the ambulance ride, to be honest.  I know I had to have a clot-busting procedure and that my sis drove all the way from Illinois and it seemed like lots of people came to visit and then I had to have a surgery because there was a complication called compartment syndrome.  Later, I discovered that the surgery left me with big ol open incisions on each side of my leg, which was actually pretty gruesomely intriguing and I would totally post the pics but I think they’d probably ick most people out.  So then I had another surgery to close the incisions and then they shipped me off to rehab a few days after that.  All told, I was in the hospital for, like, 19 days.  It was…tough.  I did find out that I came dangerously close to losing my leg and that I actually had one big blood clot that stretched roughly from my knee to my foot and a couple little clots elsewhere (can’t remember where).  I did get out of the hospital in time for Thanksgiving, which was good.  I’m still doing physical therapy 2 times a week, have to use a walker, can’t drive, can’t work, etc.  No idea when any of that will change, though I might be able to ditch the walker soon!


The night before I went to the ER…can’t see it that well, but it was totally blotchy and discolored


Shortly after I got out of the hospital, my beloved great uncle Harlan took a turn for the worse.  Within no time at all, he was gone.  I was devastated, as was my whole family.  Harlan was an amazing man.  He was the sort that had no qualms about ‘babysitting’ my little cousins babydolls or playing games or letting my cousins color his hair with bright colored hair chalk stuff.  I wrote a poem about him and how very special he was to me.  If I can find a way to post it on here, I will.  He was my ‘nice old guy’ and I was his ‘lost kid’ and I will miss him and love him forever.


One last thing to share, and it is so unbelievably hard.  On December 1st, I had to have Dart put to sleep.  My furry baby boy, my one source of completely unconditional love, is gone.  I still cry a lot.  I miss him so much.  I had him for over 15 years, and he will have a piece of my heart forever.


I got to spend the whole day with Dany and Caron Saturday, which was pretty awesome.  Dany painted my nails for me and we played old school Nintendo Duck Hunt and Mario Bros, which was also awesome except Dany got irked at me because I took too long to die when we were playing 2 player on Mario.  And I met their dog, Cujo, and, after about 30 minutes of barking and growling at me, we made friends.  I think I forgot to mention that my surgeon thinks I may have done permanent nerve damage to my foot due to the blood clot blocking blood flow and whatnot.  Oh, and they also diagnosed me with diabetes too.  So I had to deal with that whole ‘no more choco-holic days for you lady’ and losing Mt. Dew, my darn near lifelong addiction, but I have lost, like 50 pounds, so there’s that.  Also, I have to give a huge shout-out to my Asbys and Robbie for all their help during all this–no way would I have made it through this without you guys!  And to my sis for driving here to be with me when I was in the ICU–I can’t express how much that meant to me.  And Rae and Virginia and Ron, who visited me in the hospital pretty much every day or two, which helped more than you know.  And Desi and Colten and Chelsie for visiting and bringing gifts and cheering me up.  And Caron and Dany for visiting and bringing gossip and giggles.  I’m pretty sure I’ve officially been ‘let go’ from my job now.  Doesn’t it seem unfair that I now have diabetic nerve pain, on top of everything else?  On a good note, my new doctor is AWESOME!

So That Happened…


Guess what folks?  I’m a bully!  Yep, that’s right, I am a bully.  The same me that slams on her brakes to avoid hitting a little frog in the road and baby talks dogs and cries over sappy commercials and sings silly songs at top volume in public to make littles smile…
I’m a bully.  At least according to my bosses at work, who informed me that my coworkers all feel that I’m a bully.  Initially, I was devastated by this.  I try so hard to be fun and helpful and patient and such at work, even with people I find aggravating beyond words.  I will say that I have lost my temper at this job.  I have lost my temper at work a total of 5 times over the years, and 3 of them have been at this job.  I did later apologize and all that but still, it sucked.  So anyway, this whole bully thing came up in a meeting Desi and I had with our bosses, and that was only one thing they snarked about.  Basically, the whole meeting was a big ol game of “what we hate about you”, aimed mostly at me.  It was a total shit show.  I get snarked at for forgetting to fill stir sticks but it is perfectly acceptable for a coworker to have numerous complaints from customers about her inappropriate behavior without consequence.  Siigh…I really hate drama like this.

I’m fairly certain I’m doomed to remain single forever, which isn’t, like, the end of the world or anything but it is a bit of a bummer.  Currently, I seem to be attractive solely to men with few teeth and serious hygiene issues or slobbery old drunks.  It’s cause I’m so sexy and all, I just know it.  You should be totally jealous.



Season premiere of The Walking Dead is Sunday and I can’t wait!!!!  Rick and Michonne and Maggie and the frickin’  tiger and agrh!  I’m dying to see what happens this season!  And that was a lot of exclamation points, wasn’t it…yikes.  I just looked over and realized my cat is sleeping with one eye open, which is decidedly creepy as shit.  I feel kinda bad, but I woke him up just to make the creepy eye thing stop.  I am reading a book that’s kind of a just a huge book of serial killers, complete with a short bit about the killer, their crimes, and their victims, and I have to say I was downright stunned at the numbers.  I just had no idea how many of those whack jobs existed!  I feel like I’m actually making some progress on getting started on my book.  I found an entire section of awesome quirky Christmas ornaments at Hobby Lobby and I need them in my life…all of them!  They are simply delightful and are just so ‘me’!

Toodaloo kangaroo!