Okay kiddies, I have officially returned to land of blog and, I must admit, I have missed it. I have been dealing with a lot of increased anxiety and depression for several months now, but I think I’m finally climbing out from under the mountain of misery…mostly anyway. So yay for feeling less crazy and self-stabby and such! woo-hoo!
So, as I may have mentioned in the past, I am totally going to hell y’all. This fact is made more and more obvious far too often. For instance, I waited on a young lady one day at work who happened to have some pretty severe birth defects. As I smiled and rang up her purchase and acted all professional and such, my brain flicked itself right into asshole mode and immediately asked, “Can you imagine being handed that baby after you gave birth?” Like, you just went through this horrendous torture and forced a baby outta your lady garden, and they hand you a baby that looks nothing like it’s supposed to. Now, I won’t lie, my first thought was that I would be all, “What the shit is this?” Which is horrible, I know. And I know I would end up loving any kid of mine, no matter what. But…I know myself too well to think I wouldn’t end up saying something horrible like, “Put it back! It’s totally not done! Look at it!” And as I finished the transaction with the young lady, I kept smiling my face off even as I thought about what a horrible person I am for thinking these sorts of things. I realize this every time I watch Intervention and think, “Omg, suck it up buttercup! Your daddy didn’t hug you enough and that’s why you do drugs?? Are you kidding me? Omg get over yourself! Whiner!!” Yeah…I’m totally kind of an asshole.
I have an odd obsession with rescuing crickets, which is even weirder than it sounds considering I was terrified of crickets when I was a teenager. Now, I’m all like, shrieking at my coworkers to be careful and not squish them while I try to herd the poor cricket outside. I even rescued one when I was shopping at Walmart one day and discovered one of the little fellows hiding under the clothing rack I was perusing. I had to scoop him up and take him outside and around the side of the building so he could hopefully avoid getting trapped inside again. I’m like some kind of one woman cricket rescue squad or something.
5 things I will never experience, ever:
I will never piss a cop off bad enough to be tackled to the ground and tazed
I will never tell attempt to hide drugs anywhere on my person
I will never give birth to triplets
I will never walk successfully while wearing stilettos
I will never lead cops on a high speed chase
I really want a puppy. Preferably one that looks like the adorable little pup my buddy Caron just got. I love when babies have crazy sticky-up hair. That commercial with the chick talking to an owl about her new glasses cracks me up every time when she shrieks about how cute the glasses are then changes to a loud whisper after the owl informs her of his super sensitive hearing. I still can’t believe my boneheaded nephew went skateboarding all alone in the middle of the night and managed to mess up his collar bone and his noggin…dork. Ugh! My cat is driving me bonkers! He’s apparently trying to become my bizarre Siamese twin or something. He will not settle down unless he is laying against my arm or my leg. What a twerp.
Peace out folks!