So I’m A Murderer And I May Be Having A Nervous Breakdown

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Just to clarify, I’m not having a nervous breakdown because I’m a murderer.  Not to say that being a murderer isn’t traumatic and such, just not, you know, nervous breakdown kind of traumatic. Especially since I’m fairly certain that it was more of an involuntary manslaughter really…except it was mouseslaughter, and spellcheck can go to hell because if manslaughter is a word, than mouseslaughter should be one too!  Anyway, I think Zeke may have been suicidal.

In my last post, I told y’all about Zeke, the mouse that was stalking me and hanging out in my bathroom and bedroom.  I had set several traps for him of all sorts, though I kept telling him to go in the no-kill trap–regaling him with tales of how great the field near my house would be for him once I released him into its awesomeness.  I was beginning to think he was some super ninja mouse or something, since he kept appearing in places that required him to go over or alongside a trap, yet he was still just strutting around like he owned the place.  So I was starting to think Zeke was a mother fuckin’ ninja mouse.  He was all like, “Yeah right lady, like I’m gonna fall for your bullshit traps.”  Then yesterday, my aunt says she saw a mouse dropping in the kitchen.  So my uncle asked for one of the traps he had given me so he could put one in the kitchen.  I went to get it, and lo and behold, Zeke had met his end in the trap.  I immediately started shrieking, “I murdered him!  He’s dead!” and “Get him out! Get him out!  Gethimoutgethimoutgethimout!” while doing the freaked out, flailing about dance. My uncle was laughing so hard he couldn’t stand.  At that point, my voice may have gotten even shriller.  “Oh my god this isn’t funny!  He’s dead and I’m a murderer and there is a frickin’ mouse corpse in my room and you need to GET HIM OUT!”  As my uncle kept laughing and my aunt was making unhelpful comments about getting so upset over a mouse, I kept up my harpy-like shrieking and my spastic freaked out dance.  Finally, my uncle got his laughter under control and managed to remove Zeke’s remains from my room.  Leaving me alone with my guilt and unanswered questions.  Why did he run into that trap?  He’d run past it who knows how many times, and then he gets smooshed in it.  And why did he go for one of the murder traps instead of the no-kill trap?  It’s like he didn’t even want to go frolic in the field!  Maybe he was suicidal or something.  Who knows with mice.

Last week I had a bit of a nervous breakdown.  I’m going to be honest here and say that I am pretty much constantly on the brink of a freak out or breakdown.  See, the way things are for me right now leaves me feeling hopeless and helpless and depressed and anxious and frustrated and lonely and worthless and overwhelmed and useless and bothersome and angry and pathetic and empty and broken and brittle.  I just feel buried in the rubble of my life.  So it doesn’t take much to send me spiralling down.  Last week, it was a relative being unkind and getting pissed off at me over the stupidest shit and then other family members got involved and I just kinda lost it.  I called my friend Tom and pretty much had a complete meltdown.  I sobbed and ranted and sobbed some more, yelling at him when he said he understood because no one understands!  And I yelled how much I just wanted to be done, and then I sobbed some more.  The reality is that, sometimes, I just have to let myself stop.  Stop being strong.  Stop pretending everything is fine.  Stop fighting the battle against the part of my brain that hates me, the part that would end me if I’d let it.  Stop hiding the horrific pain that is eating me alive.  I screamed that I wanted to die, and I do.  Then I screamed that I hate that I can never do anything about it, that I can’t kill myself.  Not because I’m scared or anything–I’m not.  I can’t kill myself because I can’t forget how it felt to be the one left behind, to feel the emptiness and pain.  No matter how my brain tries to convince me that no one would care if I died, I know it’s bullshit.  I know there are people who love and care for me, people who would inherit this pain I so wish I could escape.  So, instead of listening to that rotten shit my brain tells me, I allow myself to have a breakdown.  I hate the idea of being weak or vulnerable and will fight it as long as possible.  Unfortunately, these freak outs are happening more and more often as I feel less and less control over my life.  I hate it…but I know that i will have my freak out and then I will suck it up and keep going.  My screaming and yelling and sobbing will be followed by laughter and life will go on.

Actual conversation with Robby when I got lost going to pick him up:

Me: I think I’m lost…shit I am definitely lost…pretty sure

Robby: Well, where are you?  How did you get lost, I gave you directions.

Me: All I heard was to go down Ford Street and keep going and then I think I stopped listening.  And I don’t know where I am!  If I knew that, I wouldn’t be calling you!

Him: I’m not sure how much help I can be if I don’t know where you are.  Any signs?

Me:  Hmm…nope, no signs.

Him: Well what do you see?  Anything helpful?

Me: Um…fields?  A Barn?  Everything looks the same cause I’m in the damn country!  But I turned around and am heading back toward town now.

Him:  Yeah, welcome to Iowa.  Ok, you’re turned around…good.  Now look for (insert random street number cause I’ve already forgotten it)

Me: Ok. Oh yay, a street sign. Oh. Yeah, I’m not even telling you that street number.

Him: Seriously, what was it?

Me: (insert much larger number than the previous one since I have also forgotten that one but totally remember it was not even close)

Him: How the heck did you get that far out there??

Me: Um, I followed your directions remember?

Him: I told you to turn on that street, not drive into the middle of nowhere

Me: Yeah, but you know how well I listen and I totally heard the part about heading out on Ford…and then I apparently missed the rest of it

Him: Obviously

Me: Hey, it’s not like you’ve never met me. You know how well I pay attention! So really, it’s almost your fault I’m lost. Oh! I think I see the sign. Maybe. And I think I might blog this conversation.

Him: Okay. When you see it, you’re going to turn east.

Me:…what the shit? Did you just direction me?

Him: Well, if you’re going to blog this, I should sound all specific and technical

Me: I don’t speak directions! Right or left, bucko, none of this east shit.

Him: Are you there yet?

Me: Yes, and you’re lucky I can only turn that way

And then there were giant potholes he forgot to warn me about, and deer chillin near the road, and apparently my windshield is breathing.

Randomosity:

 

Actual comment I heard on a documentary this week: (man explaining why they think marrying first cousins is a good thing) Think about it, you already know their family and everyone is happier!

I love seeing my little cousins–they are hilariously awesome little shits and I adore them!

I’m relatively certain I would suck at living outside…especially since the planet wants to kill me and I don’t deal well with being cold…or hot…and I hate bugs.

Peace out, trout!

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I Finally Have Stuff To Write About Y’all

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So, yeah, I haven’t written a blog in about a zillion years.  Why?  Cause my life isn’t exactly riveting nowadays.  I mean, who wants to read blog after blog full of edge of your seat stuff like “Stayed home all day once again” or “Went to a doctors appointment, then came home. Again.”  Not exactly the kind of thrilling entertainment most folks are gonna be excited by.  Not that my newest updates are super exciting but, compared to the usual snooze-fest, it’s damn near astounding.

First though, quick general update: still not able to work, still waiting for disability determination, still utterly bereft of feline/canine companionship, still living with my aunt and uncle, still striving for hermit status, etc etc etc.

Okay, so that’s out of the way. Onto my first tidbit of yay news! I GOT MY LICENSE BACK!!!! I can officially drive myself to my own darn appointments now and I can go to the store whenever I want and I can go visit the small number of folks that I actually want to visit and I can go have coffee with my former advisor before she retires and I can just drive around the state park when I start to feel trapped and stir crazy.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being at home, but more so when it’s MY home…by myself…in solitude.  It’s a little bit of freedom and control coming back into my life and I am beyond grateful that my doctor finally cleared me to drive and Tom is getting Betsey up and going and Ronald and Virginia don’t have to be my drivers anymore (though I will be eternally grateful for the fact that they willingly carted me to the many, many doctors appointments and grocery store runs and such for the last 16 months or so)!  I picked Betsey up from the mechanic place today, so hopefully she’ll be good to go now.  The poor ol’ girl sat in the driveway that whole time, so she needed a bit of TLC (jumped the battery, added fuel stabilizer, added antifreeze, got her unstuck from the ice that tried to keep her in pace, sorta fixed her side mirror, had to replace 2 brake lines, and will be replacing her windshield washer fluid receptacle and her cracked windshield and her window roller-upper thingy and her serpentine belt and hopefully, last but not least, fix her AC).  What can I say, she a cantankerous old lady.

Next tidbit of news is a bit less yay-worthy, but whatever.  I have to have surgery on my thumb next month.  Apparently, trigger thumb is really a thing and, lucky me, I have it.  Tried the whole big shot in my thumb joint bit, and it worked…for a couple months.  Then it wore off and now my dumb thumb is all crabby and hateful.  So I agreed to get the surgery, which I’m having done on the 19th of April.  It feels like a really long time to have to deal with this annoyingly displeased thumb and its constant unpleasantness, but it is what it is.  Oh, and I also agreed to getting the surgery done with just a local anesthetic (boo yeah, spelled that right on the first try!), which means I’ll be all kinds of conscious throughout the procedure.  On one hand, I’m totally psyched because, well, I’m sick like that.  I thought watching them stitch my thumb was awesome, so this should be way cooler.  The only thing that worries me is that I have to sit still through the whole darn thing.  Now, knowing myself as I do, this may prove damn near impossible.  For one, I’ll totally be trying to see what they’re doing, craning and wiggling and straining to get a better view.  Then there’s the fact that, as a general rule, I’m a fidgety, twitchy, itchy mess at the best of times, and get progressively worse the harder I try to be still.  So hopefully I don’t move at the wrong time and permanently fuck my shit up.

I have my disability determination doctor visit the day before my surgery.  I had my final hearing way back in August.  I must admit, if I had the option to say ‘fuck it’ and just go back to work, I probably would.  I hate this.  I hate having to admit that I can’t adult without help, that my body simply will not do what I want it to.  I hate that my mantra of ‘suck it up buttercup’ doesn’t work well enough anymore.  I hate that I’m 42 years old and my body has betrayed me.  I hate that my friend has to pay my bills while I wait for this stupid disability determination because I can’t just go back to work.  I hate that I now have ANOTHER damn health issue that makes everything that much harder.  Most of all, I hate that I feel so utterly powerless.

Apparently, the whole DVT blood clot and its ensuing delights left me with more than the super sexy scars on my leg.  I now get to add something called Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome to my list of health issues.  Basically, it means that a bunch of the little nerves in my foot and lower leg are now just worthless lumps of stupid.  I have several areas on my foot that have little to no feeling, my foot can no longer regulate temperature so my toes are always freezing, I have to actually concentrate in order to make my foot land the right way while walking (which is completely bizarre), I have a super hot swagger (okay, it’s a limp, but swagger sounds way cooler), swelling, pain, etc.  And best of all, it’s is almost guaranteed that all this delightfulness is permanent! yay

Last tidbit for y’all!  I’m not sure how many folks remember my encounter with the bat in my apartment many, many years ago, but I’ll give a quick summation.  I had a bat get into my apartment while I was home alone one night.  I spotted it and, of course, shrieked and hid under my blanket.  Then I laid there, berating myself for being such a chicken shit.  I reminded myself about all the factoids I learned from documentaries on Discovery (like I said, this was a long time ago).  So I convince myself that when the bat lands on my blanket, which he totally will, I will quickly throw the blanket over him, grab that bundle of bat filled blanket gingerly, and chuck the whole thing right out the front door (free blanket for my sketchy neighbors!) and all will be right with the world.  Yeah.  Not exactly what happened.  Instead, the bat landed on the blanket and I totally LOST MY SHIT–shrieking and flailing at the blanket like a demented toddler trapped in their suddenly carnivorous blanket fort.  I ended up falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion at some point later that night, firmly tucked under my blanket from head to toe.  When I told my landlord and my boyfriend about the incident, they not only couldn’t find the damn bat, they started looking at me like I was making it up or something.  Come on, if I was making it up, wouldn’t I have made myself sound just a tiny bit less like a total wuss???  Sorry for the trip down memory lane, but it is a bit relevant to this story.  So the other night I was in our kitchen and thought I saw a mouse.  Dismissed it because it was just a quick movement out of the corner of my eye.  Figured I was just seeing things or whatever.  Yeah, not so much.  Later that night, I’m in  my bathroom, minding y own business while doing my business, and in runs a frickin’ mouse.  Want to take a wild guess how calmly I reacted to my nocturnal invader??  Yeah, about like you’d think.  There was a lot of screeching and flailing about, which is exceedingly awkward while perched on a toilet.  Needless to say, I finished my business and got outta there in record time.  Trouble is, my room is right next to the bathroom, so I was just certain the little fiend would follow me.  Sure enough, my heart beat had barely returned to normal when that little bastard went tearing through my room.  After more shrieking and flailing about, I started trying to reason with the little beast.  I was all “Look here mouse, you have to go away.  If you stay here, bad things will happen.” And then it ran right along the clothes hanging in my closet! Y’all, I really freaked then.  Leave it to me to be stalked by a crackhead mouse who apparently has no interest in food, just running around randomly, freaking me out.  So the next day I headed to Walmart to gets some traps.  Now, in case you have forgotten, I am a complete bleeding heart.  Therefore, I wanted the sort of traps that let you catch the vile beastie without killing it.  Helpful hint folks: do not ask for no kill mouse traps at a store in a town filled with country folk.  They will look at you like you are some kind of dim-witted freak.  So I was forced to buy the murdery sort of traps instead, which makes me feel decidedly not warm and fuzzy.  But it was in my room, and that is simply not acceptable.  So now I wait, torn between hoping I catch the little fucker and dreading it.  Preferably, he just left the house right back out wherever he came from.  But he really doesn’t seem that bright.  Sigh.

Randomosity:

I saw a guy at the grocery store a couple weeks ago wearing a big cowboy hat and a big old belt buckle…and velcro shoes.

I’m so excited my buddy Krystal is back!  Can’t wait to go visit, now that I have the ability.

This guy I always called purple truck guy died recently and it got me thinking…I wonder what moniker folks would give me?

I’ve read 66 books so far this year.

I’m sad that I missed my chance to take part in the prison book club.

My 11 yr old niece will get a stamp on her passport this week.  I’ve never even had a passport lol!  I hope they have an awesome trip!

I wish Netflix wasn’t so judgy about how long you binge out on a show, bugging you about whether you’re still watching.  I just wanna be like, yes I’m still here so leave me alone and stop making me acknowledge my wasted life, Netflix, you bastard!

Tomorrow is World Down Syndrome Day!

That’s all for now kiddies!

Peace out!

 

Yeah, I’ve Been A Sucky Slacker

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I have totally sucked at being a blogger.  I totally admit that.  In my defense, I have been going through a lot of less than delightful crappiness.  I am going to try to do better though–I promise!

So, health updates first just to get them out of the way.  My bad foot is still bad and it appears that the nerve damage done by the clot is here to stay.  My ‘good’ foot is all about driving me crazy with the whole diabetic nerve pain thing.  Apparently, I also have whacked out levels of hinky-ness going on with my blood, with some stuff all super elevated and other stuff super depleted.  I am so anemic they are going to do some IV treatments to try to bring up my iron levels and such.  My stomach is still being a bit of a bitch with nausea and poor digestion and such.  Overall, good times and fun abound in the world of me.

I had a great afternoon/evening last week, spending time with some of my college professors that I haven’t gotten to see much since I graduated.  It was great to discuss books and life and such with these wonderful people!  I was super psyched to find out i may be able to participate in their prison book club again!  I had the opportunity to do this twice while I was in school, and I absolutely loved it.  I learned so much from those experiences and, honestly, it made me realize I had a lot more prejudice/bias than I thought. I went into it thinking we’d be all generously bestowing our knowledge with folks that would be all awed by our smarts and such.  Yeah, I was stupidly, completely, utterly wrong.  Those guys blew us away with their insights and intelligence.  It showed me that, just because these men had lived different lives and made choices that landed them in the prison, they were far from stupid or clueless.  It was an amazingly humbling experience that I would love to participate in again.  I was also offered a chance to be a future guest blogger for the English program thing!

I am extremely excited about my plans for this June–I am hoping to spend most of the month with my sis and my niece and the rest of the fam!!  I am soooooooooo excited to ‘get away’ for a few weeks and spend tons of time with my family!  Hanging out with Carrie and Chloe and Steve and, when possible, Elise and Alex and Drew, will be relaxing and fun and exciting and amazing.  Being unable to drive and spending almost all my time feeling trapped here at home is really starting to take a toll on me, and I need a break.  A break from being a hermit in my room, a break from all the doctor appointments being one of the only times I get out of the house, a break from spending 90%+ of my time by myself in my room.  I figure their will be some minor issues with arranging the whole blood thinner tests and stuff like that, but I am going to do my darndest to make it work.  I cannot wait!

Randomosity:

There is a chick that works at one of my doctor’s offices and she has the weirdest hair I’ve ever seen.  Noodle has accompanied me to this office twice now, and both times we just couldn’t stop staring at this woman’s insane hairdo.  i’ll have to get the picture Noodle surreptitiously took of that bizarre hairdo and post it so y’all can see it.  Like, seriously, it is utterly baffling that she purposely does this whacky oversized bird nest looking thing to her hair everyday!  Why did they have to go and try to ‘update’ all the great stuff from my childhood?  My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears were fine just the way they were, darn it!  Nerve pain is stupid.  I think I would be a very difficult candidate for What Not to Wear, if it was still on.  A tall fat chick that loathes heels and pointy toed shoes and dresses and skirts and blazers and makeup and all that–it wouldn’t give them much of a chance for their idea of success.

Toodaloo Kangaroos!

It’s Been A Rough Couple Of Months Y’All

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So I have have quite a bit of catching up to do–you might wanna grab some popcorn and get settled in.

For most of October, I had been having some really annoying foot and leg pain.  Initially, I chalked it up to fibromyalgia but as it got worse and worse, I decided to go to the doctor to see why it was so bad.  So on November 2, I marched my little happy, gimpy self to the doctors office.  Without even glancing at my foot, which was swollen and splotchy looking by this point, she also pronounced it a fibro sort of issue and told me to return if it was still hurting in a week.  So I went to work that night.  Luckily, my bestie Desi was working with me, since the pain in my leg and foot got progressively worse as the night went on, making me essentially useless all night.  By the time I was off work, I was sobbing in pain and it felt like my foot was full of broken glass.  By the next morning, my foot looked and felt even worse.  I actually handle pain fairly well, but it was getting to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore.  There was no way in hell I would be able to work that night, so I had Virginia take me to the ER.  Within a very short amount of time, they informed me that I had a blood clot in my leg–a big one.  They shipped me off to Cedar Rapids in an ambulance, which was decidedly less fascinating than I would have anticipated.  All I cared about, of course, was the fact that they had started giving me pain meds so my leg/foot stopped feeling like they were going to murder the rest of me.  Things become a bit hazy for me after the ambulance ride, to be honest.  I know I had to have a clot-busting procedure and that my sis drove all the way from Illinois and it seemed like lots of people came to visit and then I had to have a surgery because there was a complication called compartment syndrome.  Later, I discovered that the surgery left me with big ol open incisions on each side of my leg, which was actually pretty gruesomely intriguing and I would totally post the pics but I think they’d probably ick most people out.  So then I had another surgery to close the incisions and then they shipped me off to rehab a few days after that.  All told, I was in the hospital for, like, 19 days.  It was…tough.  I did find out that I came dangerously close to losing my leg and that I actually had one big blood clot that stretched roughly from my knee to my foot and a couple little clots elsewhere (can’t remember where).  I did get out of the hospital in time for Thanksgiving, which was good.  I’m still doing physical therapy 2 times a week, have to use a walker, can’t drive, can’t work, etc.  No idea when any of that will change, though I might be able to ditch the walker soon!

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The night before I went to the ER…can’t see it that well, but it was totally blotchy and discolored

 

Shortly after I got out of the hospital, my beloved great uncle Harlan took a turn for the worse.  Within no time at all, he was gone.  I was devastated, as was my whole family.  Harlan was an amazing man.  He was the sort that had no qualms about ‘babysitting’ my little cousins babydolls or playing games or letting my cousins color his hair with bright colored hair chalk stuff.  I wrote a poem about him and how very special he was to me.  If I can find a way to post it on here, I will.  He was my ‘nice old guy’ and I was his ‘lost kid’ and I will miss him and love him forever.

 

One last thing to share, and it is so unbelievably hard.  On December 1st, I had to have Dart put to sleep.  My furry baby boy, my one source of completely unconditional love, is gone.  I still cry a lot.  I miss him so much.  I had him for over 15 years, and he will have a piece of my heart forever.

Randomosity:

I got to spend the whole day with Dany and Caron Saturday, which was pretty awesome.  Dany painted my nails for me and we played old school Nintendo Duck Hunt and Mario Bros, which was also awesome except Dany got irked at me because I took too long to die when we were playing 2 player on Mario.  And I met their dog, Cujo, and, after about 30 minutes of barking and growling at me, we made friends.  I think I forgot to mention that my surgeon thinks I may have done permanent nerve damage to my foot due to the blood clot blocking blood flow and whatnot.  Oh, and they also diagnosed me with diabetes too.  So I had to deal with that whole ‘no more choco-holic days for you lady’ and losing Mt. Dew, my darn near lifelong addiction, but I have lost, like 50 pounds, so there’s that.  Also, I have to give a huge shout-out to my Asbys and Robbie for all their help during all this–no way would I have made it through this without you guys!  And to my sis for driving here to be with me when I was in the ICU–I can’t express how much that meant to me.  And Rae and Virginia and Ron, who visited me in the hospital pretty much every day or two, which helped more than you know.  And Desi and Colten and Chelsie for visiting and bringing gifts and cheering me up.  And Caron and Dany for visiting and bringing gossip and giggles.  I’m pretty sure I’ve officially been ‘let go’ from my job now.  Doesn’t it seem unfair that I now have diabetic nerve pain, on top of everything else?  On a good note, my new doctor is AWESOME!

So That Happened…

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Guess what folks?  I’m a bully!  Yep, that’s right, I am a bully.  The same me that slams on her brakes to avoid hitting a little frog in the road and baby talks dogs and cries over sappy commercials and sings silly songs at top volume in public to make littles smile…
I’m a bully.  At least according to my bosses at work, who informed me that my coworkers all feel that I’m a bully.  Initially, I was devastated by this.  I try so hard to be fun and helpful and patient and such at work, even with people I find aggravating beyond words.  I will say that I have lost my temper at this job.  I have lost my temper at work a total of 5 times over the years, and 3 of them have been at this job.  I did later apologize and all that but still, it sucked.  So anyway, this whole bully thing came up in a meeting Desi and I had with our bosses, and that was only one thing they snarked about.  Basically, the whole meeting was a big ol game of “what we hate about you”, aimed mostly at me.  It was a total shit show.  I get snarked at for forgetting to fill stir sticks but it is perfectly acceptable for a coworker to have numerous complaints from customers about her inappropriate behavior without consequence.  Siigh…I really hate drama like this.

I’m fairly certain I’m doomed to remain single forever, which isn’t, like, the end of the world or anything but it is a bit of a bummer.  Currently, I seem to be attractive solely to men with few teeth and serious hygiene issues or slobbery old drunks.  It’s cause I’m so sexy and all, I just know it.  You should be totally jealous.

Randomosity:

 

Season premiere of The Walking Dead is Sunday and I can’t wait!!!!  Rick and Michonne and Maggie and the frickin’  tiger and agrh!  I’m dying to see what happens this season!  And that was a lot of exclamation points, wasn’t it…yikes.  I just looked over and realized my cat is sleeping with one eye open, which is decidedly creepy as shit.  I feel kinda bad, but I woke him up just to make the creepy eye thing stop.  I am reading a book that’s kind of a just a huge book of serial killers, complete with a short bit about the killer, their crimes, and their victims, and I have to say I was downright stunned at the numbers.  I just had no idea how many of those whack jobs existed!  I feel like I’m actually making some progress on getting started on my book.  I found an entire section of awesome quirky Christmas ornaments at Hobby Lobby and I need them in my life…all of them!  They are simply delightful and are just so ‘me’!

Toodaloo kangaroo!

Miss me??

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Okay kiddies, I have officially returned to land of blog and, I must admit, I have missed it.  I have been dealing with a lot of increased anxiety and depression for several months now, but I think I’m finally climbing out from under the mountain of misery…mostly anyway.  So yay for feeling less crazy and self-stabby and such! woo-hoo!

So, as I may have mentioned in the past, I am totally going to hell y’all.  This fact is made more and more obvious far too often.  For instance, I waited on a young lady one day at work who happened to have some pretty severe birth defects.  As I smiled and rang up her purchase and acted all professional and such, my brain flicked itself right into asshole mode and immediately asked, “Can you imagine being handed that baby after you gave birth?”  Like, you just went through this horrendous torture and forced a baby outta your lady garden, and they hand you a baby that looks nothing like it’s supposed to.  Now, I won’t lie, my first thought was that I would be all, “What the shit is this?”  Which is horrible, I know.  And I know I would end up loving any kid of mine, no matter what.  But…I know myself too well to think I wouldn’t end up saying something horrible like, “Put it back! It’s totally not done! Look at it!” And as I finished the transaction with the young lady, I kept smiling my face off even as I thought about what a horrible person I am for thinking these sorts of things.  I realize this every time I watch Intervention and think, “Omg, suck it up buttercup! Your daddy didn’t hug you enough and that’s why you do drugs??  Are you kidding me?  Omg get over yourself!  Whiner!!” Yeah…I’m totally kind of an asshole.

I have an odd obsession with rescuing crickets, which is even weirder than it sounds considering I was terrified of crickets when I was a teenager.  Now, I’m all like, shrieking at my coworkers to be careful and not squish them while I try to herd the poor cricket outside.  I even rescued one when I was shopping at Walmart one day and discovered one of the little fellows hiding under the clothing rack I was perusing.  I had to scoop him up and take him outside and around the side of the building so he could hopefully avoid getting trapped inside again.  I’m like some kind of one woman cricket rescue squad or something.

5 things I will never experience, ever:

I will never piss a cop off bad enough to be tackled to the ground and tazed

I will never tell attempt to hide drugs anywhere on my person

I will never give birth to triplets

I will never walk successfully while wearing stilettos

I will never lead cops on a high speed chase

Randomosity:

I really want a puppy.  Preferably one that looks like the adorable little pup my buddy Caron just got.  I love when babies have crazy sticky-up hair.  That commercial with the chick talking to an owl about her new glasses cracks me up every time when she shrieks about how cute the glasses are then changes to a loud whisper after the owl informs her of his super sensitive hearing.  I still can’t believe my boneheaded nephew went skateboarding all alone in the middle of the night and managed to mess up his collar bone and his noggin…dork.  Ugh!  My cat is driving me bonkers!  He’s apparently trying to become my bizarre Siamese twin or something.  He will not settle down unless he is laying against my arm or my leg.  What a twerp.

Peace out folks!

 

Falling In With The Wrong Crowd

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Remember when you were younger and your parents warned you not to fall in with the ‘wrong crowd’?  They were referring, of course, to those that would screw up your life and bring you down and such.  Yeah, well, I think I have officially fallen in with the aforementioned crowd of undesirables.  This crowd of riff-raffs has drawn me in and just won’t let me go.  They are a bunch of nasty, negative bastards that I want to throat punch, yet I can’t seem to escape them.  They tell me how worthless I am, how ugly and stupid and unwanted I am.  They insist that blogging is pointless, that no one reads it or gives a crap what I have to say.  They demand I acknowledge how much better the world would be without me in it.  They make my bones ache and my heart weep.  They play back every moment of time spent with family and friends and gleefully point out every moment that could possibly be interpreted as indifference, annoyance, and/or disdain.  They remind me that no one wants to hear about my loneliness, my pain, or my fears and struggles.  And the very worst thing?  The thing that leaves me hopeless and full of despair?  I can’t escape them…ever.  Why, you ask?  Because they live in my head-they are me.  The me that simple must spew hatred and self-loathing whenever my depression and anxiety decide to get all over-whelming and controlling and such.  So, how do you avoid falling in with the ‘wrong crowd’ when it’s in your head?

So that’s pretty much why I have sucked at blogging.  Sorry folks.  I will really and truly try to do a bit better.  In other news, I will hopefully be getting my car back this weekend, so yay for that!  And yay for my bitter buddy, Tom, and his pal, who are going to save me darn near a grand by fixing my car (the mechanic guy I go to told me it would be that much just for labor, plus I would have to pay another couple hundred for parts!)  So thanks again Tom!!  Let’s see, what else? Dart just turned 15 on Sunday!  He’s lost some weight, but he’s still just as adorable as ever.

Randomosity:

Sadly, I got nothing.  I’ll try to do better next time. But I did give y’all some amusing pics, so there’s that.

Peace out, trout!