A Blog A Day Keeps The Assault Charges Away


Why must people be so indescribably, annoyingly people-ish?  Why am I not allowed to haul off and Gibbs love anyone who needs it? (NCIS reference. For you poor, unfortunate souls who are unaware of what Gibbs love entails, you really should just watch the show. Or ask someone who watches the show (who is obviously cooler than you since you had to ask them what Gibbs love is.) and hope they will be nicer than me and just tell you what it means. Dude, I totally just double-parenthesized!)  Admittedly, a person with my less than stellar social skills should probably refrain from working in retail.  Sadly, I needed a job and I am a poor, car-less bum whose options were exceedingly limited.  Don’t get me wrong, I can totally fake social acceptability like a rock star.  I simply grit my teeth in a way that is easily misinterpreted as a smile, spew out some stupid acceptable b.s. customer service crap, and die a little inside.  Every time a customer gets all miffed at me because something they liked is no longer being produced, I throat punch them in my head while apologizing that some random company quit making some stupid piece of crap ten years ago.  Every time I have to pretend to patiently wait for someone to slooooowly count out several dollars in change, I plaster on my grimace smile and assure them it’s no problem while in my head I am screaming that a drunken chimp could count faster than them. The fat bastard douche-canoe that tried to scam us while bellowing insults and threats–I kill that moron a little more everyday with copious amounts of ingenuous kindness…and yes, I am really that viscous.  People annoy me.

Daily randomosity:  Whoever came up with the “jacked up” Doritos is a maniacal genius.  There is no description on the package of what the hell is in the bag.  I mean, it’s probably Doritos, but maybe it’s not.  Maybe it’s the crisped-up liver of a rabid baboon!  Or a bunch of crunchy boogers or something!  Well, I can tell you that the 3 bags a couple folks purchased today contained Doritos.  Evil, vile, disgusting, lava-like bastard Doritos, but still Doritos.  Note to anyone reading this–unless you are slightly weird (yes, I mean you) and actually like eating fire-like evil food, Do Not Eat them!  Almost as bad as those vomit flavored chips Caron tricked me into eating.  *Shudder*  If I was a flamingo, I would totally be the coolest flamingo ever–I would totally strut my flamingo stuff.  And I’d probably sport some serious flamingo bling.  Like, maybe rock some flamingo feather dreads or something.  Why do men feel they need to say stupid things to impress women?  Like, why on earth would a man think that telling a woman that he can show her pleasure like she’s never experienced before would actually work?  Do they honestly think a woman is going to hear that and think “Woah! I am totally gonna get me some of that!”???  Cause I gotta tell you, not so much.  The first thing that crosses my mind when I hear that?  “Uh-huh.  Suuuuure.  I am so impressed with your oh-so-original line of COMPLETE B.S.  I can barely contain myself.”  To be fair though, I am a tad cynical…with a side of selectively social-ism…and a pinch of snarkiness.  Spell check–you’re an asshole!  Snarky is totally a legit terminology!  You let douche-canoe slide, but you get all judgy over snarky??? And now you’re getting all judgy over the word judgy????  WTF??


You are now dismissed.


2 thoughts on “A Blog A Day Keeps The Assault Charges Away

  1. Tom

    After getting all grouchy and snarly at spell check, you missed “viscous” as in “…yes, I really am that viscous.”
    vis·cous adjective \ˈvis-kəs\
    of a liquid : thick or sticky : not flowing easily

    I’m hoping you meant vicious:
    vi·cious adjective \ˈvi-shəs\
    : very violent and cruel

    : very dangerous

    Unless you actually meant that you’re thick and sticky, in which case… Ew.


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