Okay kids, I am about to reveal a super-duper retail secret. Retail employees are liars. Big time. It’s totally true! When you accuse an employee of hiding best-selling products in the “back room” and we explain that we do not have them hidden away anywhere and then express our sincere apologies for your distress–it’s a lie. We do not feel sorry for you 99% of the time. It’s not that we’re total douches or anything, we just don’t have the time or energy to feel bad about something we cannot control. When someone comes into our store and starts snarking because we don’t have any 16 ounce bottles of Coke left or we are out of their brand of cigarettes, I honestly feel more irked than apologetic. Just a tidbit of information for you–with the occasional exception of the store manager, we have no control over anything. Don’t like the set-up of the store? Guess what? Neither do we–but the owners don’t give a rat’s ass what any of us think. Think our store is too hot or too cold? Try working in it. When you walk on our freshly mopped floors and we tell you it’s okay? Lying through our frickin’ teeth. It’s not okay, damn it. Mopping sucks, re-mopping all the damn places you tromp through sucks worse. What we really want to say–“walk around it you douche-bag!”. Alas, we are not allowed to express our true thoughts. When you yell and throw a tantrum and act like a jack-ass to get your way, we are hating you so hard it hurts. But we can’t show it. When you arrive 2 minutes before closing and proceed to meander slowly around the store, we are killing you in our heads–a lot. But we can’t tell you to hurry up and get the hell out. Every single work day we get to deal with people that smell like roadkill, drunks and tweakers and stoners, rude people, stupid people, filthy money, condescending customers, racist morons, gossips, bat-shit crazy people, impossibly ridiculous amounts of responsibility (fill the cooler, sweep, mop, fill the pop wall, straighten/recover your assigned sections, empty the trash cans, put out new merchandise, clean the counters and register area, assist customers, etc), etc. Welcome to the hell that is retail.
Daily randomosity: Does anyone else ever wonder who names the different kinds of deodorants and douches and such? Like Simmering Sunrise or Island Breeze…like, seriously, who comes up with this crap? I mean, is someone out there actually getting paid to come up with these? And who sniffs douche and names it for a living? Think about it for a minute, imagine your grandma asking about work and then you’d say what? “Oh we just sent out a new douche this month grandma. Smells super nice–like oceanic flowers. It’s called Pearl Sunrise! Just for you Grandma Pearl!” Egads, that would be heinous. Maybe it would be one of those jobs you don’t really talk about with your family…like being a pimp. Or a serial killer. Why do people in horror movies act like they’ve never seen a horror movie? Lights go out, they hear a scream, then they go check it out…seriously? Morons. Do any women actually have pie-shaped feet? If, as I suspect, women do not naturally have pie-shaped feet, why are shoes ever shaped that way? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?