Why I Would Survive A Horror Movie, Stupid As Seen On TV Things, And Other Pointless Oddities


Okay, so anybody who knows me knows I love horror movies.  I own far more horror movies than romantic comedies or anything similarly girly.  Now, having said that, I will say that when I am watching my beloved horror movies, I do spend a lot of time snarking at the characters/events.  I am usually rolling my eyes or snarkily snipping “If you’re that stupid, you obviously deserve to die.  Idiot.” or telling them, “For the love of all that is holy, don’t go in there.  I’m telling you, it won’t end well.  See!  Told you so!  Moron.” in an appropriately disgusted tone of voice.  And I must say, I am pretty much always right.  If people in movies would just listen to me, they might actually survive the horror movie.  I am quite confident that I myself would survive a horror movie, primarily because of one all important factor–I am a complete chicken-shit.  I would never attend a party thrown in some creepy abandoned house rumored to be haunted.  I would never even entertain the idea of traveling in any areas likely to be inhabited by inbred cannibalistic psychos.  Hell, I don’t even go camping.  I do not investigate odd or creepy noises unless well-armed and usually not even then.  I never wear high heels so I definitely wouldn’t run in them.  I would NEVER believe the bad guy/evil chick/monster/ghostie/whatever is dead after the first try–ever.  You know how people always go searching for their friends who have mysteriously disappeared?  Not gonna happen–sorry.  I love my friends and all, but you are on your own if you don’t answer before I split.  I will never stand alone in some creepy place, hear a sound and yell, “Billy?  Billy is that you?  This isn’t funny!”.  For one, I don’t know anyone named Billy, secondly, I would be gone long before I found out if it were Billy or the boogeyman.  See, the difference between me and all the boneheads who wouldn’t survive is really quite simple.  As my friend once said, most folks hear a noise in the basement and go check it out, never thinking there is a psycho or a monster or a boogeyman lying in wait.  Me, on the other hand, I ALWAYS assume it is some variety of hideous beastie that wants to eat my face off.  See that?  I totally just told you the trick to not dying at the hands/paws of horror movie grade beasties.  You are welcome.

I sometimes find myself staring at some of the ridiculous crap they sell on tv.  And the way they advertise things.  For instance, in the commercial for these bags that are supposed to make cleaning the litter box super quick and easy.  In the commercial, it shows several people showing how hard it is to scoop the ick out of the litter box and dump it in the garbage…um…WTF??  Is this really a huge struggle for people?  Managing to dump cat mess in the garbage?  Like, seriously, if a person struggles to successfully transfer poo into the garbage, maybe they shouldn’t have pets.  And the Shticky?  Come on!  Good grief.  Though, I must admit, the commercial damn near made me pee myself laughing–the full commercial mind you.  The full commercial (which can be viewed on Youtube) is hysterical–the little spazzy dude actually says “Trouble with that hairy pussy?”.  I’m honestly not sure what he says after that, I was too busy chocking and laughing and snorting and such to notice.  And none of the stuff seems to work even half as well as they swear it will…though I did once get this doohickey that is supposed to make opening packaging easier, and that thing is rather nifty.  And the Pedegg thingy is groovy since it catches most of the icky nasty foot shavings and keeps them from getting on the floor or your bed or where ever.  As a general rule though, if you saw it on tv, it’s usually crap, or at the very least, not worth what they charge for it.

Daily randomosity:  Have you ever watched a movie where they show how they used to plug, like, a zillion things into a single little plug-in thingy–like in a Christmas Story?  Does it ever baffle anyone else how they managed to keep every house in town from going up in flames?  For cryin’ in the sink, there were actual FLAMES shooting out of the plug in that movie!  Why don’t guys have to shave their legs and pits like women do?  I mean, how the hell is that fair?  Why are there so many different Febreeze scents?  And why is there no notation on the bottles of air freshener explaining that they should not be used in place of cleaning one’s home or body?  Use some soap/cleaner people!  Three things I totally dig: the color pink, adorable flip-flops, and bobble-heads.  My ten favorite words/phrases: randomosity, bahookey, snarky, craptastic, thingy, I know right?, son of a sassafrassin’ sea-biscuit, awesome-sauce, douche-canoe, and fantabulous.  Wow, pretty sure spell check just went into convulsions over a couple of those.  I bet my profile thingy would be awesome on one of those on-line dating sites.  I can just imagine what I would say:  37 year old selectively social, slightly snarky and overly judgy fluffy woman who reads excessively and watches way too much TV and Netflix and mostly hangs out with her skinny-challenged spoiled cat.  Sadly, I think those would be some of the more positive points I could come up with :).




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