To The Blogmobile!

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Well, work was kind of sucky tonight.  But I did get to work with Krystal, and that was rather awesome.  It would be so nice to win the lottery so I could just not have to go to work, like, ever.  No more perfume-induced asthma attacks, no more cleaner-induced asthma attacks, no more mean customers, no more smelly customers, no more ridiculous rules sent from the stupid goobers at corporate, no more sweating like a dog in our too-warm store–it would be beyond dandy.  Siiigh.  It could be worse though.  I could be the person who has to collect stool samples from elephants.  Or I could be the rectal thermometer tester (and yes, they really do exist).  Or I could be a worm wrangler (yep, they exist too).  Or a worker at an animal rendering plant.  Or a snake handler.  Or the person who performs artificial insemination on cows and such.  Or an ostrich farmer.  Or an exterminator.  Or an Avon lady.  Or a sewer inspector.  Well, you get the point.  And at least I didn’t have to clean human feces out of a tampon receptical (okay, I can’t figure out if that is spelled right or not and spell check is stupid and completely useless, so I apologize if it is, indeed, spelled incorrectly)–which, in case you’re wondering, is a truly horrific task.  Though, oddly enough, not as scarringly horrendous as cleaning mucousy Co-Co Puff vomit out of the backseat of your car.  True story!

Daily randomosity:  Why do people ever try to outrun the cops?  Seriously, odds are that it will not end well for the runner.  Then, once they get caught, the cops are downright pissy ’cause they had to chase some idiot all over the darn place.  And don’t murderers watch TV?  If you are going to go and kill someone, at least attempt to be smart about it.  Don’t kill your spouse or lover–you will be the first suspect moron.  Do not try to cover up a murder with a fire, it won’t work.  Do not bury any bodies in your backyard, it’s a very bad idea.  If you do off someone, for the love of all that is holy, do not tell everyone at the local bar the details.  In fact, don’t tell anyone!  Actually, maybe you should just, you know, not kill anyone.  Apparently the majority of killers are morons who want to go to prison and then be on shows like 48 Hours and Cold Case Files and 20/20 and I (Almost) Got Away With It and Deadly Women and Most Evil and all the other crime shows.  Lord these people are stupid.  I wonder if I should paint my toenails pink or orange?  I wonder what I should do with all the movie posters I got while working at the theater.  I really hate that damn cooler at work.  I hope I can talk this author into letting me edit her book–how freaking awesome would that be?!?!!?  I wonder how much the tattoo I want will cost.  I really need to reorganize and clean my room…yikes!  I don’t think I could get away with pink streaks in my hair–probably just look pathetic or bizarre.  I think it would be total awesome-sauce to have my very own little hedgehog.  I’d get him some nifty little duds and, of course, a jaunty lil’ hat.  I’d probably call it Daffodil Tootletoes or Tapioca Babbletin or maybe Kippsy Pantalune.  Killing people is very bad and you shouldn’t do it, ever…that’s my disclaimer for my previous commentary regarding getting away with murder.  I should totally get sparkly pink shoelaces for my new tennis shoes.  Well, new-ish.  I’ve only had them for a month or so and they still look nice, which is nothing short of miraculous considering I tend to kill shoes at a rather disturbingly rapid rate.  Cards Against Humanity–it’s like Apples To Apples for people who are going to hell!  Best. Game. Ever.  

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I have left the blog!  Well, technically, I haven’t left it yet, since I’m here telling you I left, which is basically a lie.  I lied…but it was on accident so it totally doesn’t count.  So, let me make a more accurate statement now–I am leaving the blog very soon, like, as soon as I finish writing this whole now unreasonably lengthy last bit here.   

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