How bad would it suck to have homicidal skin?? Like, how the hell are you supposed to get away from your own skin? It’s not like you can enter the witness protection program to hide from your skin. I’m watching a documentary (shocking, I know) about two people with evil, murderous skin. A dude in China has skin that looks like fish scales and a little fella in the U.S. has skin that rips and tears at the slightest touch, so 90% of his body causes pretty much constant pain. Poor little dude walks around looking like a little mummy, with his layers of gauze he has to wear all the time. So, to sum this delightful paragraph up for you–killer skin would suck ass.
I discovered something interesting tonight. While watching Trauma: Life in the E.R., they showed a guy who somehow got his hand stuck in a meat grinder and a guy who had broken his legs super badly in a car accident. Since I’m me, I was all, “Woah! That is totally gonna leave a mark! Ooh! I see bone!”, you know, cuz I’m bizarre like that. So, watching smooshed limbs and deep lacerations so serious the bone shows through–no problem. When I watched another documentary last night about teen mothers and they showed babies being born? Freaked The Fuck Out. I was totally all, “Oh my gawd, that is just nasty! Eew! It’s covered in snot! WTH? Dear god make it stop! Eew eew eew eew!”, and squealing like a little girl. Crime scene photos, autopsy photos, surgeries, horrid injuries–even a dude pretty much scalped by a wayward piece of metal…no problem. A baby slithering out of a vagina? *shudder* *gag* Just nasty.
Okay, so I am a bit baffled by something. If you were going to steal something, wouldn’t you make it worthwhile? I mean, you’re taking the chance that you might get caught (which probably won’t end well), why on earth would you do a piss poor job of it? Why would you take the time to open a 3-pack of boy’s Spiderman unders and only take one pair????? Seriously? Or take the time to open a cheap teeth whitening kit and just steal the mouth piece (a $1 item!)? The least you could do is perform some highly unusual, slightly astonishing bit of thievery. Like the person who somehow brought in their own container, emptied a large container of laundry detergent, and sashayed out the door (okay, to be honest, I have no idea if they really sashayed since we have no idea who did it or when. It just seems like the right method of exiting after such a mind-boggling theft). Must admit, that was one for the retail work hall of fame.
Daily randomosity: Omg there were 21 views on my blog today! 21!!!! Golly that’s spiffy! I think I need a baby duck for a pet. I’d take him for a waddle around the block and find him some shnazzy little duds and, you guessed it, a jaunty hat. It would be adorable if I found him like, a little monocle. I would give him an awesome, fairly dignified name…like Napoleon or Winston Quackhill or Admiral Wadell or something like that. I really don’t care for clowns. I can’t decide if I should paint my toenails obnoxious orange or neon pink. I think it’s odd that I hate to cook–I have no patience for it. I mean, seriously, I get snarky waiting for water to boil and usually give up and nuke something. However, I can stand over a grill and make fairly yummy steak without getting impatient in the least. It’s just weird. I saw a little pic thingy on Pinterest that said “I have this weird self-esteem problem. I hate myself, but I still think I’m better than most people.”,and I was like, “Holy crap on a cracker! That’s totally me!” I think I’m the only person who hates summer. There’s bugs and heat and humidity and bugs and kids running around everywhere and bugs and BATS. I like bats just fine in zoo’s and on t.v. and such. In real life…not so much. I lose all logical thought the second one of those little bastards swoops anywhere remotely near me. I shriek and do the icky-yucky-creature dance and try to escape before they can attack me and eat my face off (which, in those moments, I am quite sure they will). And that cockamamie bullcrap about they’re more afraid of me than I am of them? Not bloody likely–I never hear them whimper in terror and carry on like a wussy.I think they should add one of those interpreter thingies at the bottom of the screen during chopped, just so folks like me could have at least a vague idea of what the hell they are talking about when they’re blathering on about what they are making.