I totally just misled you I’m afraid. This post has absolutely no lions or tigers in it at all. In fact, it most likely will not contain much of anything really. I don’t really feel like I should talk about work again, seeing as how I ranted about that an awful lot in the last post. Considering that I really didn’t do anything but go to work today, I really don’t have much in the way of witty anecdotes to share. Admittedly, I rarely have anything resembling truly witty anecdotes…it’s more like vaguely amusing and slightly disconcertingly bizarre ramblings. So, I have decided to share a few tidbits and the daily dose of randomosity and call it a night. Top 5 best-selling items at our store that struck me as surprising: douche, instant cold packs, air freshener, pregnancy tests, and tampons. While these are not the absolute top-selling items, they are items that we sell a lot of them every day and each one seemed a rather odd thing to purchase so frequently. I often want to hand out a little tip sheet with these items that simply says, “Air freshener and douche are not adequate replacements for bathing. Pregnancy scares would decline significantly if birth control was utilized from time to time. Instant cold packs are for sprains and other injuries, not meth manufacturing–meth is bad, so stop it. Tampon buyers–periods suck, but at least you won’t need a pregnancy test this month!” Five things I would love to be able to say to customers: “It is exceedingly rude to talk on your cell phone while at the check out–hang up douchetard.”, “This is a store, not a zoo or a daycare, so watch your damn kids and stop letting them behave like assholes.”, “If you insist on stealing, at least steal stuff that makes sense and do it right. Don’t open packages and steal one thing out of it. Don’t steal stupid shit like $1 pairs of underwear or douche. Do not drink half a bottle of soda and leave it on a random shelf without paying for it. Do not drink a bottle of Nyquil or open a bottle of ibuprofen, take a handful, and leave the rest–again, without paying for them.”, “Do not allow your rotten, bratty children to come in our store if you are not with them…children are short thieves that steal ridiculous crap and act like assholes.”, and “Acting like a complete piece of shit will not make me want to do jack shit for you. If you do get your way, know that you will be talked about for days to come and will be hated by all who work here. We will really, truly loathe your existence, A lot.” Oh, make that six things, I almost forgot, “Look, you condescending jackass, I may be stuck in a shitty job, but that does not make me somehow beneath you. I am far more intelligent than your sorry ass will ever know. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it dickwad.”
Daily randomosity: I think it would be handy to have a super smart kid. You could totally make them balance your checkbook or function as a form of spell check. I kind of hate the fact that I have to spend my day off tomorrow doing laundry. But I kind of love that I don’t have to do my laundry at a laundromat (my aunt rules!). The Dobedobedo penguins were awesome, I wonder why they got rid of them? I am going to see my nieces in less than 2 weeks!! I cannot wait–it’s been over 6 months since I saw them last (though I do Skype with the little one once a week or so). I’m watching a show about gifted kids, and there is an 8 year old girl who paints pictures that sell for around $12,000 to $25,000 each…dear sweet sassafras, that’s a lot of money! What the hell does an 8 year old do with that much money?? I mean, I know her parents probably put it in savings for her or something, but seriously, it just seems so wrong somehow. I must say, though, she is quite good. My cat is really pretty darn adorable…and rather awesome. Even when he is sleeping on my arm and making typing a tad uncomfortable. My favorite t.v. shows of all time include (but are not limited to): Trauma:Life in the E.R., CSI:NY, Criminal Minds, Supernatural, The Big Bang Theory, NCIS, Bones, and The Walking Dead (the best show ever!). My bitter buddy and I discussed the possibility of resorting to fisticuffs to settle a little dispute that we had today. Of course, then we got all ridiculously amused by the idea of resorting to fisticuffs, and it became rather typically silly, and we ended up snickering and snorting and just being our awesomely doofy selves. Sir Atticus Archibald Pinkerton would be a good name for an animal. I shall have to remember that one. Bone saws are cool as hell. Ooh! Empress Petunia Francine Twinkletoes would be a great animal name too! It would be awfully nifty if I could make a living making up weird pet names.
Over and out.