Five Of My Most Impressive Moments EVER…Well, Maybe Not All That Impressive…

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Okay, these are 5 really awkward moments that are not impressive unless you’re impressed by bizarre or embarrassingly dorky behavior, in which case these moments will be awesome.

1.  The day I yelled holy hell at a PRIEST:

I was coming out of a nice toasty building after class and opened the door to Antarctica.  Seriously, it was super freezing outside, which it had not been earlier.  So, when the shock of the cold hit me, I kind of went stupid for a minute.  It was during that minute that I yelled “Holy Hell it’s cold out here!”.  Unfortunately, a priest just happened to be, like, right in front of me, heading into the building I was leaving.  I stared at him in horror as I realized I had just more or less screamed this right at him.  Luckily, I was struck momentarily speechless, allowing him to enter the building without the added insult of me frantically trying to ‘fix’ things with, “Oh shit!  I am so sorry!  Oh God, I just swore at you.  Argh, I just said God at you in the bad way.  Damn, this is not good.  Shit!”  This was the awesomeness that spewed from my mouth after his escape, which left me looking like a nutjob standing there apologizing to no one, but that was far better than actually saying it to him.

2.  The time I hid from a bat.

I have seen bunches of documentaries and such about all kinds of animals, including bats.  I have no problem with bats in zoos or on t.v. or whatever, it’s just that, in person, they seem a lot less harmless.  When I see them on t.v. and such, I am all “What amazing little creatures.  They’re almost cute-ish in a creepy creature sort of way.  I am so glad they exist and eat bunches of icky bugs.”  As soon as they are flying in my vicinity,however, I am suddenly a terrified villager, all “Kill it!  Kill it with fire!  It must be destroyed!”  Well, except I’m usually flailing and shrieking like a scared little girl, which doesn’t really include such rational statements as those.  Many moons ago, a bat got into my apartment and, rather than trying to lure it outside or anything remotely sane and rational, I hid under a blanket and had about a million mini-panic attacks until I managed to fall asleep.  In the morning, the damn bat had disappeared without a trace.

3.  The time I saw my high school crush at the store and discovered I couldn’t speak to him.

I truly don’t understand this one at all.  Way after my high school years were over, my friend and I ran into the guy I had been totally twitterpated with in both junior high and high school.  My friend stopped and chatted with him for a minute while I stood there like the world’s dopiest, most fidgety lump o’ person ever.  Then he turned to me and said something, to this day I don’t know what it was, and I attempted to answer.  To my horror, I could not force an intelligible response to save my life.  I froze like the proverbial deer in the headlights as my mouth hung open and I stared at him uncomprehendingly.  I finally managed a strange, grunt like response before darting away in a desperate attempt to get away.  Yes folks, I am just that smooth.

4.  That time I had an underwear party with 2 guys.

Okay, so we were all, like, 5 years old, which may be an indicator that my tendency toward the inexplicably awkward and bizarre started at a young age.  It really wasn’t a big deal to us, we thought we were being silly and hilarious.  We were in the playhouse of one of the boys and, from what I can remember, we were having a great ol’ time dancing around in our undies.  The boys mother, however, was not so entertained by our antics.  She pretty much blew a gasket, in fact, I think at one point she threw words like slut and trouble in my direction.  My mom got a rather hysterical visit from the woman, who was gripping my arm like a psychotic python and shaking me for emphasis as she related my deplorable behavior and ranted about what a bad influence I was on her poor little boy.

5.  The time I decided to get in a golf cart with Justin.

First they took my golf club away after my 17th attempt to hit the ball failed.  Then they wouldn’t let me stay and pet the cows.  Then Justin tried to kill me and Rod.  He smooshed poor Rod’s leg between 2 golf carts, and sent my flying out of the cart–all ’cause he had to go and try to act like the lost Duke boy.  My poor leg swelled up like a balloon and hurt like crazy for ages.  And the look I got when I had to tell the E.R. doc that my injury was due to a golf cart incident was a tad judgmental in my opinion, which made me feel all awkward and irked and such.

So yeah, I’m pretty amazing at my ability to embarrass myself and others and to find the most awkward and bizarre possibilities and dive right in.  But at least I keep things interesting I guess.

I saw my doctor yesterday.  She gave me a new med to try for my fibro, so let’s hope that one works.  And then she said I should do what the stupid lung doc said for a month, then contact him to let him know if it isn’t working out.  Great.  I get to continue dealing with that douche-bag.  It was pretty funny today though, when I went to the pharmacy to pick up my new meds, the pharmacist found it rather shocking and, apparently, stupid that the lung doc took me off the duo meds and switched me to just Albuterol.  She made a point of telling me to keep track of how much I am using the Albuterol, and to let the doc know if I am needing to use it more than I am supposed to, which would be an indication that I do need the duo meds.  So, if I die from an asthma tantrum in the next month or so, feel free to sue the hell out of my idiot lung doctor.

Daily randomosity: I started giving Dart his eye drops yesterday, and I’m a bit bummed that it isn’t helping as fast as it has in the past.  The poor thing looks just miserable.  One of my new meds has a warning to avoid getting overheated due to an increased risk of heatstroke…so work should be interesting.  I want some sea monkeys, and this time I totally would not kill them by feeding them a weeks worth of food all at once before leaving on vacation.

Ta-Ta All!

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