I Am So The Queen Of Live-Action Tetris!

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So I pretty much kick ass.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I will rarely give myself kudos for much of anything, but today I totally rocked.  I managed to get 3 bookcases, my dresser, and my full size bed to fit in my little bedroom!  My poor aunt thought I had lost my marbles when I told her of my plan, repeatedly saying she just couldn’t see how it could possibly work the way I thought it would.  But I did it!  Tom and Zaya and Micah did the manual labor part, putting stuff wherever I wanted it, and my idea worked out pretty darn well, if I do say so myself.  Tom insisted I announce that it was my plan, he and the boys were just the muscle.  I do owe a HUGE thank you to Jamie and Jason for bringing my stuff here, and to Tom and the boys for giving up a large chunk of their Saturday to help me with this!  You guys totally rock and I love you to the moon and back!  (Special thanks to Zaya for be completely helpful and uncomplaining and overall just awesome!  And it made my day that such a good kid thinks I’m awesome.  And loved our car conversation!)  God, it is sooooo nice to have my bed back!  No more fighting with my bed hog cat for space or waking up without a pillow because he shoved me off so he could lay on my pillow–now he has his own damn pillow again.

When I got to work yesterday, my boss showed me a picture of the surprise she got on her car.  A FREAKING BAT WAS STUCK TO HER CAR Y’ALL!!  Seriously, I would have freaked the fuck out.  We’re talking flapping hands, girly screeching, and probably tears and loss of consciousness.  It is a fairly well-known fact that I do not deal with bats very well.  I mean, logically, I know bats are relatively harmless and whatnot, and I don’t have any problem with bats at a zoo or on t.v.  But the second one of those little bastards start being all batty anywhere near me, logical thought straight up abandons my sorry ass. So anyway, my boss found the bat caught in the seam thingy on the side of her car, its wing just all kinds of stuck there.  So she used our broom to knock the little carcass off her car…and into our parking lot!  Of course, knowing how shady bats are, I went to verify that it was dead and not just faking it, lying in wait for some unsuspecting employee to come along so it can eat their face off.  Thankfully, it was really and truly dead, so yay for that.  Wait, that sounded a bit harsh I think, what I meant was…well, honestly, I suppose I did mean yay.  I suck as a human being.

Randomosity:  My poor fuzzbutt cat is having trouble getting on and off my bed, since it’s on risers and has a box spring to boot.  The people who make these damn ASPCA commercials are evil geniuses, picking all those sad pictures and throwing some nice, depressingly perfect song in for that soul-crushing guilt-trip.  Diabolical bastards.  Today was actually a pretty great day, despite asthma tantrums and other issues.  Only bad thing is, now I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, run over by a bus, and beaten with a brick.  But damn my bed is comfy.

Toodles All!

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WTF Were You Thinking…Again

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You'll want to check this shit out--it's downright amazing y'all!

In this installment we will see a delightful array of WTF people wearing WTF sorts of clothes!

Is her body devouring her shorts?  I mean, how the hell else would you explain this?  I just can't see how she would have gotten those shorts on, so the simply had to start out larger, but her body has decided to devour them.  That is just too much to ask of a pair of jean shorts.

Is her body devouring her shorts? I mean, how the hell else would you explain this? I just can’t see how she would have gotten those shorts on, so the simply had to start out larger, but her body has decided to devour them. That is just too much to ask of a pair of jean shorts.

Umm...please say that is one hell of a wardrobe malfunction.  If not, why the hell would they get a nice, fancy-looking limo and the groom's spiffy tux, only to annihilate the whole classy thing with a dress like that?  Why even bother with the dress at all?  Just head on down the aisle with a skirt and some pasties!  Or tassels even!  Lord that's terrifying.

Umm…please say that is one hell of a wardrobe malfunction. If not, why the hell would they get a nice, fancy-looking limo and the groom’s spiffy tux, only to annihilate the whole classy thing with a dress like that? Why even bother with the dress at all? Just head on down the aisle with a skirt and some pasties! Or tassels even! Lord that’s terrifying.

For the love of all that is holy, please, tell me these folks will not be reproducing.  I mean, seriously, WTEFF???  (in case you forgot, that would be what the entire fucking fuck)

For the love of all that is holy, please, tell me these folks will not be reproducing. I mean, seriously, WTEFF??? (in case you forgot, that would be what the entire fucking fuck)

I...I think...omg...I think this is meant to be...sexy...the toy gun, the camo bandanna, the leg in the air, the shirtlessness...it's just...overwhelming...and scary, very scary...

I…I think…omg…I think this is meant to be…sexy…the toy gun, the camo bandanna, the leg in the air, the shirtlessness…it’s just…overwhelming…and scary, very scary…

You’ve Got Brain Barf On You

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Tonight was, once again, completely awesomely craptastic.  Every time i have to tell spell check to add a word, I wonder just how bizarre my little dictionary is becoming.  So anyway, work was all work-ish and oh so delightful and such.  Once again, I am baffled by what people steal.  Tonight I discovered the remains of 2 packages of car air freshener things and my co-worker found an empty lunch meat container in the cooler.  Who the hell steals lunch meat?  And car air fresheners?  Seriously?  I don’t know why it still surprises me when people steal such oddly unnecessary things, but something always manages to make a new notch on my bizarre-o meter.

So I’ve been trying to get my room rearranged and tidied up and such to make room for my bed and stuff.  Yeah, it’s not going super awesome, which is beyond annoying.  When my aunt told me there is no way I will be able to fit anything besides my bed in here, my brain is all, “Challenge accepted.  Game on.”  (In a totally, ‘as if! I am totally a Tetris generation gal!  I got this shit.’ sort of voice of course.)  So now I just can’t admit defeat, regardless of the fact that my aunt doesn’t even actually know she issued this challenge.  I have no idea how I will make this work but, damn it, I will find a way somehow.

Randomosity:  I have come to the conclusion that I should maybe change the name of my blog to a nice, descriptive title.  Something along the lines of Brain Barf or Cranial Regurgitation or some such thing.  Since that’s pretty much what happens when I blog.  My brain just barfs out bizarre, random, snarky, hilarious, nonsensical crap all over this blog.  A man on t.v. just said, “You couldn’t just walk away.  You’d walk away in a body bag.”  I find so many things so very unacceptable about this statement.  First off, he is insinuating that you’d end up dead, which means you’re not walking anywhere, body bag or no body bag, unless of course you are a zombie and are eagerly joining in an epic apocalypse, in which case you would probably ditch said body bag if you were to find yourself inside it.  Second thing that is just wrong with this statement is that it is meant to be a seriously foreboding sort of thing.  But instead of feeling all ‘oh no!’, I find myself giggling as I immediately picture somebody trapped in a body bag, hopping around like some demented, yet pathetic, sack race contestant.  I wonder who took the time to figure out that the number of toilet paper tubes thrown away each year, just by Americans, would fill the Empire State Building twice, which this commercial says is the case.  I think this person may have a bit too much time on their hands.  Maybe they should get a pen pal.  Do pen pals really exist anymore?  ‘Cause I totally don’t think Facebook and Twitter and all that would actually count as such, since folks rarely have in depth, personal conversations on those sort of sites.  Maybe email pen pals exist, and that would be an acceptable alternative to actually utilizing good old snail mail.  I found a bunch of old cards and letters and such in my old suitcase last night.  Man, Caron  and I sure had a lot to say to each other–I found oodles of Caron notes and such.  I also found my small bundle of original, honest to goodness, old school Garbage Pail Kids cards!  I don’t think I’m going to be able to afford to take Dart to the vet until next week…not sure yet, I guess it depends what they need up front, and what I can do on some payment plan sort of deal.  I had a customer in tonight that amused me.  Kept calling me ‘love’ and telling me that he was so grateful for my help that he’d marry me or kiss me if he wouldn’t get in trouble and promised to add me to his Christmas gifts list, I just had to tell him what I wanted and he would come all the way back at Christmas time just to deliver it to me.  I was cracking up.

Peace out folks!

A Potato Chip Douche-Bag, An Awesome Bit Of Socializing, Delightfully Odd Comments Regarding Hermaphrodites And Small Penises And, If I Recall Correctly, Nut Cheese, And Other Bad-Ass Bloggy Bits…Part 2

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Yeah, so I totally apologize for starting this blog yesterday, only to announce my inability to stay awake and post the incomplete mini-blog.  And I didn’t even get to the really good stuff!  So, without further delay, the good stuff!

Over the years I have heard numerous off-the-wall, bizarrely awesome comments from folks.  Like the year we were having a holiday get together at Tom and Noodle’s house, and Noodle’s sister was talking to someone while everyone else was talking and laughing and such.  Then, in an awesomely perfect moment of quiet, you hear her voice, loud and clear, as she asks, completely serious-like, “If you have sex with a hermaphrodite, is it considered a threesome?”  Needless to say, everyone just about died laughing.  (We did decide that it really wouldn’t count as a threesome, just in case you were wondering.)  Or the time my friend hit a bit of a snag while bathing.  I had given her one of those nifty things that goes across the bathtub and holds your drink and a book and even a candle, which she loved since she would take mind-bogglingly long baths.  Well, one day she was taking one of her marathon baths and decided to light the little candle in the candle holder.  Well, after awhile, she started to notice that something was a bit awry.  She came out to the living room and informed me that she had discovered that the candle holder apparently did not actually have anywhere for the candle wax to go, so it just poured into the water as the candle melted.  She laughingly told me she had gotten the wax all over before she figured out what was going on, including in her pubic hair, saying, “Shit, you could light some on fire and it’d burn for a week!”  I thought I’d rupture something internally from laughing.  Or the time Caron and I went to see Titanic, and the part came on where they see the iceberg and start freaking out and such.  And Caron’s leaning forward in her seat yelling, “Turn the boat!  Turn the boat!”  So I leaned over and said, “Caron, it’s the Titanic.  It’s going to sink.”  Without missing a beat, she whips around and hollers, “Well just ruin the whole damn movie for me!!”, all huffy-like.  Absolutely hilarious.  Last night however, I may have heard the single strangest thing ever, from my adorable pal Rose, who announced, rather loudly, “I cannot even tell you how many little kindergarten boy penises I have had to see this week!”  Now, before you start dialing the pervert busters, let me elaborate a bit.  Rose has the delightful job of being the poor adult forced to be the boy’s bathroom visit supervisor which, if you have never been around little dudes enough to realize they lose their fricking minds while visiting the bathroom, trust me, they need supervision.  (Just visualize the epic light-saber battle from Star Wars, fought with streams of urine instead.  Now realize that’s tame considering what else those little fellas come up with to achieve bathroom entertainment.)  I also heard the term nut cheese for the first time during our Cards Against Humanity game, which I found disgusting, yet oddly amusing, especially when Rose kind of almost lost her shit laughing over that nifty terminology.

Randomosity:  I went back and corrected some typos from the last blog–it was atrociously riddled with errors, and i do apologize profusely.  The spinach dip Jess and Brian made was ah-mazing!  I already want more, darn it.  And whoever put out the dish of pistachios is evil, and I blame them entirely for my new addiction to the damn things.  I really need to get my janky P.O.S. tablet sent to the company, like, asap, since my 12 month warranty thing expires in a couple months.  I am so psyched that Jamie and Jason are bringing my stuff to Iowa!  I cannot wait to have it close by, and I’m even going to be able to bring a few things here.  I have complete and utter faith that Tom and I will figure out how to make it work space wise.  I just have to find someone with a truck to bring it from Marion to Anamosa to get the select few things from Rae’s house to here, and I’ll be all set!  Maybe I could ask Robby…have to wait and see what my schedule is for next weekend and go from there.  Hopefully, by this time next week, I will be able to sleep in my own bed again!  A nice, roomy bed that actually has room for me even with Dart all sprawled out!  I’m not sure if the catacombs movie As Above So Below could be good, or if it would just be stupid.  I must admit, most of the time, horror movies are full of characters so unbelievably stupid, I am forced to root for the bad guy/monster/zombies/whatever.  I can’t figure out why my hand is bugging me so much today, but it can just knock that shit off right now.  It’s so awesome that Rae’s going to let me put my crap in her basement.  For a grumpy ol’ lady, she’s pretty bad-ass cool.  Who decided how to spell llama?  Why the hell would someone open a beef stick, take a bite, then leave it on the shelf?  I’m pretty sure someone would have to be absolutely bat-shit crazy to beat themselves up to make a false crime report more believable.  I can’t believe I spelled hermaphrodite right on the first try.

Toodles!

A Potato Chip Douche-Bag, An Awesome Bit Of Socializing, Delightfully Odd Comments Regarding Hermaphrodites And Small Penises And, If I Recall Correctly, Nut Cheese, And Other Bad-Ass Bloggy Bits

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Okay, so the other night at work, I had a delightful encounter with a whole new level of WTF.  A dude and his woman came in and he fairly quickly got what he needed, checked out, and then waited for his woman.  Apparently he got bored and had the munchies, so he selected a bag of potato chips, opened it, and began scarfing them down.  He must have eaten close to half the bag before he wandered back up to the counter, rolled the bag of chips up and informed us that they were nasty and he didn’t like them.  Both my co-worker and myself let him know that he would still have to pay for them.  So then his stupid woman came up to the counter to pay for her items.  After ringing up her final item, I asked if they wanted his chips added to her order or if they wanted to do it as a separate transaction.  And I swear to God, that woman lost her shit over my insistence that the moron man needed to pay for the chips–for fuck’s sake, the way she was carrying on, you would have thought I was bitch-slapping babies or something!  Total meltdown!  The bitch went nuclear.  Ranted and raved all the way out the door and to their car in the parking lot.  Seriously, wth?

I was kind of pretty awesome tonight…well, sort of,  I managed to be all sociable and stuff, for, like, a lot of hours!  I got to hang out at Brian and Jess’ house with Jason and Rose,Brenden, Bitter Boy and Nessa and Amy and, of course, Brian and Jess.  We grilled some steaks and played a tiny bit of Cards Against Humanity and, in case you were wondering, we are pretty much the awesomest players ever.  Had so much fun–great food, awesome game, hilarious friends, vicious bugs, and evil-eyed chickens–all made for a truly awesome night!

Sorry folks, this blogger is literally falling asleep sitting here trying to finish this post.  It’s not going to happen.  I totally suck and all, but I will have to finish this after work tomorrow…today…whatever.

Until then, peace out!