Clearing The Floor, A Tree In A Rectum And Other Stuff Most People Will Find Rather Odd


Have I mentioned retail is hell?  I think I may have mentioned it, but I’m just not sure.  So let me just go ahead and tell you–retail is hell.  So, the floors at my work desperately need cleaning.  And I’m not talking about a mopping sort of cleaning, I mean, like, serious cleaning.  Think of the floor cleaning equivalent to a nice, big bomb.  In fact, I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to just blow up the whole place and build a whole new store.  Not that I am saying I want to blow up my workplace, I totally would never do that since that would definitely fall under the category of ‘shit that’s so stupid even I wouldn’t do it’.  Anyhow, they finally got some dudes to come clean the floors tonight, which meant we had to make sure the store was all ready by the time they got there.  What this means is we had to cart every single thing that was on the floor into the back room.  Every single cart of crap, every display, every cart, every single fricking thing.  I had no idea how much crap we have on the floor, like actually touching the floor.  Seriously, next time you go to a store, check out how much stuff they have on the floor–it’s way more than you’d think.  Good news is that I actually managed to get almost all of it back there by the time the floor dudes showed up, so yay for that.  I am strangely anxious to see what the floor will look like clean.  It’s been pretty icky since before I started working there a year ago, so I’ve never seen it without all the stains and such.

I’m watching my trauma show, and once again I am reminded why I love this show.  So this dude on this episode was on a roof.  His ladder fell or broke or whatever, he fell into a tree, and a branch went right up his bahookey.  That is fascinating in and of itself, but they showed the tree inside his guts, which was awesomely bizarre, since you just don’t see a tree in someone’s belly region every day.  Even cooler was the fact that the branch managed to miss all the major stuff and his only injuries were a torn rectum and a little tear to his bladder and that’s it!  Now the docs are showing other staff members how the branch got all the way up by his sternum without messing up all his guts, and they’re all awestruck and such.

So, I have yet another little behavior tip for y’all.  If you are shopping and you stop in, say, the dog food aisle, and you notice an employee struggling to push a big, heavy, awkward cart toward the back room, which is right behind you and your cart, which is in the middle of the aisle of course, if it isn’t too much trouble, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY!  Do not stand there and debate which dog food you want to purchase for several minutes while the employee stands there trying to keep the stuff on the cart balanced while staring at you in awe of your astonishing ability to be completely inconsiderate.  And if you happen to see the employee carrying a large, awkward display toward the back room, DO NOT mosey in front of her, forcing her to stop so suddenly that she almost drops the damn display.  And one last thing, please remember that store employees have absolutely nothing to do with company policies and such.  We did not come up with them, and most of the time, we aren’t too thrilled about them either.  Yelling at us or getting all snarky is not going to change a damn thing.  You are dealing with employees so far down the biz food chain that we are beyond insignificant to the big wig folks.  So stop yelling at us!  Quit throwing a tantrum over prices or surveys or attempts to sign you up to receive digital coupons or whatever else you feel all pissy about.  For the love of all that is holy, behave like a freaking grown-up, not a spoiled child.  I really just hate people sometimes.  Siiiiigh.

Randomosity:  Do eunuchs have to sit to pee?  I wonder how many people know what a eunuch is.  I hope my doc appointment goes okay tomorrow.  I got to Skype with Chloe last night and hear about her first day of first grade.  Went something like this:  ME: How was your first day?  HER: Good.  ME: Did you have fun?  HER: Yes.  ME: Do you like your new teacher?  HER: Yes.  ME: What did you do?  HER: (Looks at me like I am asking the most ridiculous question ever) I don’t know!  How do you respond to this much meticulous detail?  She cracks me up entirely.  I find it exceedingly irritating that the portable air conditioner in my room has decided to start acting all stupid.  It’s apparently somehow creating bunches of water, way more than it probably should, making it virtually impossible to run the thing for long periods of time (you know, like, say, overnight, which is, of course, when I find it the most helpful.)  Yesterday it totally piddled on my floor, making a nice big chunk of my carpet soaking wet.  It’s finally dry for the most part, but it was completely yucky and annoying.  It’s weird how my allergies almost never make me sneeze.  My eyes water and/or puff up and my asthma throws a tantrum and sometimes I get super duper itchy, but I hardly ever sneeze.  Why would someone open a package of underwear, steal one pair, and leave the other pair/pairs?  Like, did they decide that stealing one pair is okay, but two pairs would be bad?  Or do they feel like if they leave a pair, some other thief could come and snag it?  Only 2 days until I will go and be all social and such!  Wish I didn’t have to work all weekend, but whatever.  I think they’d have to pay me a whole lot of money to be in commercials for things like douche or hemorrhoid cream or adult diapers or feminine odor control or stuff like that…I mean, a WHOLE lot of money.  I snicker every single time I see this commercial on the Discovery Fit & Health channel for some sex=E.R. show they have–this dude talks his girlfriend into having sex in a tree.  Needless to say, it doesn’t go quite as awesome as he planned.  He falls out of the tree and hurts his dangly bits (“oh my god, it’s bleeding!”), which causes him to go to the E.R.  As he is standing there at the desk, holding himself, blood running down his leg and soaking his shorts, and the lady at the desk asks what brings him in to the E.R.  The dude makes this awesome face, like ‘um, really?’ and says, “I’m thinking, it’s pretty obvious!” as he looks downward.  It is just hilarious.



3 thoughts on “Clearing The Floor, A Tree In A Rectum And Other Stuff Most People Will Find Rather Odd

    • Well crap, the photo and story that inspired the rather random comment explained the process they went through, like, a zillion years ago, which was a more complete sort of castration that completely removes all the…well…ALL the dangly bits. I’m super sorry if I offended you, and I’m even more sorry you had to go through that!


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