A Potato Chip Douche-Bag, An Awesome Bit Of Socializing, Delightfully Odd Comments Regarding Hermaphrodites And Small Penises And, If I Recall Correctly, Nut Cheese, And Other Bad-Ass Bloggy Bits…Part 2


Yeah, so I totally apologize for starting this blog yesterday, only to announce my inability to stay awake and post the incomplete mini-blog.  And I didn’t even get to the really good stuff!  So, without further delay, the good stuff!

Over the years I have heard numerous off-the-wall, bizarrely awesome comments from folks.  Like the year we were having a holiday get together at Tom and Noodle’s house, and Noodle’s sister was talking to someone while everyone else was talking and laughing and such.  Then, in an awesomely perfect moment of quiet, you hear her voice, loud and clear, as she asks, completely serious-like, “If you have sex with a hermaphrodite, is it considered a threesome?”  Needless to say, everyone just about died laughing.  (We did decide that it really wouldn’t count as a threesome, just in case you were wondering.)  Or the time my friend hit a bit of a snag while bathing.  I had given her one of those nifty things that goes across the bathtub and holds your drink and a book and even a candle, which she loved since she would take mind-bogglingly long baths.  Well, one day she was taking one of her marathon baths and decided to light the little candle in the candle holder.  Well, after awhile, she started to notice that something was a bit awry.  She came out to the living room and informed me that she had discovered that the candle holder apparently did not actually have anywhere for the candle wax to go, so it just poured into the water as the candle melted.  She laughingly told me she had gotten the wax all over before she figured out what was going on, including in her pubic hair, saying, “Shit, you could light some on fire and it’d burn for a week!”  I thought I’d rupture something internally from laughing.  Or the time Caron and I went to see Titanic, and the part came on where they see the iceberg and start freaking out and such.  And Caron’s leaning forward in her seat yelling, “Turn the boat!  Turn the boat!”  So I leaned over and said, “Caron, it’s the Titanic.  It’s going to sink.”  Without missing a beat, she whips around and hollers, “Well just ruin the whole damn movie for me!!”, all huffy-like.  Absolutely hilarious.  Last night however, I may have heard the single strangest thing ever, from my adorable pal Rose, who announced, rather loudly, “I cannot even tell you how many little kindergarten boy penises I have had to see this week!”  Now, before you start dialing the pervert busters, let me elaborate a bit.  Rose has the delightful job of being the poor adult forced to be the boy’s bathroom visit supervisor which, if you have never been around little dudes enough to realize they lose their fricking minds while visiting the bathroom, trust me, they need supervision.  (Just visualize the epic light-saber battle from Star Wars, fought with streams of urine instead.  Now realize that’s tame considering what else those little fellas come up with to achieve bathroom entertainment.)  I also heard the term nut cheese for the first time during our Cards Against Humanity game, which I found disgusting, yet oddly amusing, especially when Rose kind of almost lost her shit laughing over that nifty terminology.

Randomosity:  I went back and corrected some typos from the last blog–it was atrociously riddled with errors, and i do apologize profusely.  The spinach dip Jess and Brian made was ah-mazing!  I already want more, darn it.  And whoever put out the dish of pistachios is evil, and I blame them entirely for my new addiction to the damn things.  I really need to get my janky P.O.S. tablet sent to the company, like, asap, since my 12 month warranty thing expires in a couple months.  I am so psyched that Jamie and Jason are bringing my stuff to Iowa!  I cannot wait to have it close by, and I’m even going to be able to bring a few things here.  I have complete and utter faith that Tom and I will figure out how to make it work space wise.  I just have to find someone with a truck to bring it from Marion to Anamosa to get the select few things from Rae’s house to here, and I’ll be all set!  Maybe I could ask Robby…have to wait and see what my schedule is for next weekend and go from there.  Hopefully, by this time next week, I will be able to sleep in my own bed again!  A nice, roomy bed that actually has room for me even with Dart all sprawled out!  I’m not sure if the catacombs movie As Above So Below could be good, or if it would just be stupid.  I must admit, most of the time, horror movies are full of characters so unbelievably stupid, I am forced to root for the bad guy/monster/zombies/whatever.  I can’t figure out why my hand is bugging me so much today, but it can just knock that shit off right now.  It’s so awesome that Rae’s going to let me put my crap in her basement.  For a grumpy ol’ lady, she’s pretty bad-ass cool.  Who decided how to spell llama?  Why the hell would someone open a beef stick, take a bite, then leave it on the shelf?  I’m pretty sure someone would have to be absolutely bat-shit crazy to beat themselves up to make a false crime report more believable.  I can’t believe I spelled hermaphrodite right on the first try.



4 thoughts on “A Potato Chip Douche-Bag, An Awesome Bit Of Socializing, Delightfully Odd Comments Regarding Hermaphrodites And Small Penises And, If I Recall Correctly, Nut Cheese, And Other Bad-Ass Bloggy Bits…Part 2

  1. I’ll be the first to admit, I have issues with brevity in my own blog. I have to force myself to find a way to close the post somewhere around 3000 words.

    But GodDAMN at the title of this one! lol

    I was exhausted before I started the post.

    Which was still good by the way. I’m just being a pain in your ass. Cards Against Humanity is the best game ever. Go to Amazon.com and look up Crabs Adjust Humidity. It’s an expansion pack (not endorsed by CAH) but it fits in well and is fucking awesome. They fit right in with the CAH cards and you can hardly tell them apart.

    That is why I emphasized the “awesome” part with “fucking”.

    Also, “fuck” is my favorite word.

    And activity, but I’m five years single, so I stick with just the word.


    • Lol. I do tend to ramble, but sometimes my brain to thinks up too much shit to cram into a shorter type blog. And ty very much, I rather dug this title, in fact, I think I even made myself giggle, Which is sad but kind of awesome at the same time. I will definitely check out the Crabs Against Humanity and thanx for the tip!

      p.s….Fuck is a delightfully fun word. though assholery is downright awesome too.

      p.p.s…or maybe it’s p.s.s…whatever. I so have you beat in years single lol.


  2. I apologize, but I have to correct something in your blog, you appear to have combined two terms that you heard that night which were “frumunda cheese” and “nut butter”. Either of which are delightfully disgusting and shudder-worthy, but to me deserve their own designation.
    Rather than Star Wars, I imagine Ghostbusters, “Don’t cross the streams, Ray!” 5 year olds aren’t likely to know that movie, though.

    Liked by 1 person

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