My Aunt’s Lost Cletus, A little Girl’s Birthday, And My Chest Hurts Like Hellfire

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I just can’t understand what went wrong with my family. Other folks have normal, or at the very least, normal-ish families.  Me?  I got little old ladies who discuss things like where a man tucks his dangly bits when dressing as a woman, a cousin with a rebellious and wayward bellybutton, another cousin who inadvertently kidnapped a passed out drunk whilst ‘relocating’ a party bus to mess with some drunk folks, and now my aunt, who is totally well past the age of old people discount eligibility, decided to share that she has lost a part of her anatomy that was dubbed Cletus, probably since the name of the anatomical part could sort of sound like Cletus…if you were slurring a lot…and had suffered a head injury of some sort.  But really, it just shares a couple similar letters and doesn’t really sound like Cletus much at all.  And since my cousin and I are sick, twisted sorta gals, we found her proclamation absolutely hysterically amusing.  Obviously, whatever went so awesomely wrong with my family has totally made me the delightfully whack-a-do ball of awesome that y’all luv and adore and such.  (hehehehehe)  So, the point of this tidbit was to inform everyone that if someone should happen to come across a rogue Cletus, please, whatever you do, do not tell me about it.  I don’t want to know.  Ever.

So, I drug my pathetically sick self to my little cousins birthday party today.  I figured that, if I could make it through a little birthday party, I might be able to make it through work tomorrow.  Yeah.  It pretty much sucked, but I totally didn’t die, so I’m still contemplating trying to go to work.  My little cousin, Kaylee, whose birthday party I attended today, is a hilarious little thing.  I have dubbed her the terrorist due to her awesome ability to force people to bend to her will.  Seriously though, she’s pretty spoiled and all, but she’s awesome.  When she was showing me some of the presents she had gotten already, I asked her if she liked Frozen, to which she replied, with a huge eye-roll and a sigh, “I AM having a Frozen party ya know!”  When I admitted that I had not noticed these decorations, she promptly led me out to see her party decorations, including a great cake with some Frozen characters on it, as well as a picture of Kaylee.  I don’t know about y’all, but I always thought it would be creepy to eat a piece of cake with your face on it.  Kaylee seemed to think it was gonna be awesome, so maybe I’m just weird, ’cause I just don’t think I could do it.  So anyway, while I was sitting there being all sick and miserable, at one point I found myself in the living room area, amongst a bunch of folks I didn’t know.  Since I just love those sort of situations, I just sat there doing my medicine without even acknowledging that there were others in the room.  Then they all started saying kinda snarky things about how spoiled Kaylee is and how her baby brother is getting all spoiled too.  Maybe I’m just a bit grouchy or whatever, but it kinda rubbed me the wrong way.  It just struck me as beyond wrong to sit and talk shit about a 7 year old kid while you’re at her birthday party.  And, while she is spoiled and rather dictator-y, she’s a pretty cool kid really.  She’s quite amusing and very smart and oh-so-fashionable.  Plus, if you remember, she did a hell of a job painting my nails awhile back.  I did make it through the party though, without dying even!  And by the way, there was 3 babies there.  3!  I thought for sure I was gonna make them all cry by coughing too loud or something, but I didn’t get too close for everyone’s sake, and no babies were brought to tears by my babies-hate-me curse, so yay!  Oh yeah, and my little cousin Phoenix was there too, all perfectly matched outfit and adorable little mohawk thing going–swear he’s got to be one of the cutest kids ever.  And I made it for, like, an hour after my other little cousins arrived, bringing the total of screeching little girls to 3.  Add in the whole karaoke singing (?) they were doing at the top of their little girl lungs, and you can see how impressive it is that I made it so long.  Although, it was cute when the littlest girl and the birthday girl started singing that build a snowman song together, at least until it turned into a screaming contest.

Okay, I have to take just a minute to whine about the stupid pain I have ’cause of this whole sick b.s.  Every single time I cough, it feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest with at least a dozen knives.  It seriously brings tears to my eyes sometimes, which frustrates me, since I hate letting it show.  I am so sick of feeling like deep-fried dog crap, I could just scream.  Except that would probably make me cough and that would be all sucky and painful and stuff.  And I am sick of having this rattling cruddy crap going on in my poor lungs.  And my aunt’s being all caring and such and she won’t let me smoke, which is making me crazy.  And yes, I know it is beyond ridiculous to smoke when your lungs try to kill you periodically, but I still want a cigarette damn it.  And yes, I know my aunt is right and all that, and only doing this because she cares and all, but I still want a cigarette.  And I want to go back to work, otherwise I’m totally screwed money wise, and I HATE missing work ’cause then everyone has to try to fill my shifts and work when they’re supposed to be off and all that.  Siiiigh.

Randomosity:  If I ever ate green eggs and ham, I’d probably want some green waffles or something to go with it.  I really hope a bleach pen takes the stains out of Chloe’s Olaf stuffed guy.  I really need to get some yarn so I can get to work on the scarves and hats I want to make for Christmas presents.  I think I’m all done with Christmas shopping for Chloe and Dany, which leaves Elise, Carrie, Alex, Donnie, Micah, Zaya, Jagger, Nia, Steve, Tom, Noodle, Caron, Margie, Virginia, Krystal, Becky, Tien, Victoria, Damien, Hayley, my secret santa person, and a couple other little things.  Right up until I typed all that, I felt all proud of the fact that I was all done with the girls.  Not so cocky now.  Okay, chest hurts and I’m exhausted, so off to bed I go!

Peace out y’all!

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One thought on “My Aunt’s Lost Cletus, A little Girl’s Birthday, And My Chest Hurts Like Hellfire

  1. longchaps2

    I’m impressed. You are hilariously funny even on your death bed, so to speak. I will be sure look the other way if I come along a stray Cletus, lol. As for babies, they scare me to death. So fragile. I’ll take a 1000 lb rogue horse over a baby any day, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

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