Home Sweet Home, Best Reason For A Return In The History Of Ever, The One Year Mark, And Further Frivolousness

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So I made it home all safe and sound and such, so yay me!   And, aside from one little incident where I kinda went in the wrong direction for, like, 15 or 20 miles rights at off the bat, I totally didn’t get lost at all on the way home!  Between my little journey in the wrong direction and a bizarre delay in a construction zone (the bizarre bit being that we sat at a near total stand still for like 20 minutes even though there was absolutely no actual construction happening…not one little bit.  No idea why traffic just stopped for no apparent reason.), I did end up being a smidge late for work.  Okay, a lot late for work.  Like 45 minutes late.  Luckily, Gayle is awesome and stayed until I got there, which was truly actually beyond awesome of her, so huge thanks to her!!  I had such a great time–I cannot wait to go visit for longer this summer!

One of the houses I passed that were apparently damaged by a tornado.

One of the houses I passed that were apparently damaged by a tornado.

The so-called bridge I crossed...

The so-called bridge I crossed…

I really didn't dig this 'bridge'

I really didn’t dig this ‘bridge’

Chloe being super silly

Chloe being super silly

"Not pictures now Tantie!  I'm busy!"

“Not pictures now Tantie! I’m busy!”

This girl just loves to boogie :)

This girl just loves to boogie 🙂

Last night at work I was given the single best reason for returning something I have ever heard.  A man came in and purchased some coffee.  15 or 20 minutes later, he came in and wanted to return the coffee.  I asked him if he had purchased the wrong brand or what was wrong.  In complete seriousness, as casually as if he were discussing the weather, he says, “Nope.  Wife can’t drink it.  Makes her shit.”  Seriously, I thought I was going to choke on my liver I was laughing so hard.  Luckily, the laughter was staved off by stunned disbelief long enough that I didn’t start cracking up until after he had left.  It still makes me giggle.  And I can’t seem to stop saying “makes her shit” randomly, for no discernible reason.

Apparently, my blog’s birthday has arrived!  One year of mindless drivel slopped into cyberspace for all to behold!  Can y’all believe I’ve remembered to post blogs fairly frequently for a whole entire year??  And I have darn near 50 followers now!  Yay for my blog’s one year birthday!  And totally yay for so many followers and readers!  Thanks to all who actually read my ramblings and seem to find them at least mildly entertaining!

Randomosity:  It was awesome to get to see my Noodle today!  Come to think of it, it’s awesome that I have a friend that allows me to call her Noodle without punching me or anything.  Noodle’s rather fabulous like that.  I was kind of sad when I returned Pierre to my Asbys today…we have bonded so well after all.  But it’s all good, Pierre will be okay–I promised to try to visit as soon as I can.  My cat is being kind of beyond freaking adorable right now.  He’s sleeping on his pillow next to me, and he has his head propped against my shoulder and one of his paws wrapped around my arm.

Damn near vomitously adorable, ain't it?

Damn near vomitously adorable, ain’t it?

Do ramen noodles really take long enough to make that they merit that Rapid Ramen thing?  I am hoping and praying that I am able to go to the traveling Titanic exhibit in May.  I’ve been wanting to go for ages, and this is the first time it’s coming close enough for me to be able to go.  Hopefully, it won’t be ridiculously expensive and I’ll be able to get the day/night off work and I can find a way to get there, otherwise, I will be one whiny, crabby, unpleasant person, and trust me, nobody wants that.  I hope my appointment with my jackass pulminologist goes okay tomorrow.  Might help if I can refrain from actually calling him a jackass to his jackass-y face.  I think I have read over 20 Dean Koontz books in the last month or so, and I still haven’t read them all, darn it.  His books are kinda beyond amazingly awesome.  Kind of bummed it took me this long to discover their awesomeness.  I really, really, really, really, really hope my buddy Krystal will be coming back to work soon!  I had a chocolate marshmallow malt today and it was rather epically delicious.

Hang loose, moose!

Adventures With Pierre, Byron Is Something Of A Bastard, And Other Brainless Blatherings

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Well, I made it!  It was quite a trip, I must say.  I gave Tom’s car a name, got lost twice, missed my turn 3 times, drove over as rather unnerving bridge of sorts, drove through several small towns, encountered construction twice, and my stupid cell died and of course I didn’t bring a car charger.  The unnerving bridge was not really a bridge per say, it was a road slapped down in the middle of the water.  Driving across it felt an awful like being in a boat–the water was all around me and, like, two feet below the edge of the road!  Totally trippy and a half.The car, Pierre, and I bonded quite well, though I must say I did get a tad bitchy over the poor headlights, but I apologized, so Pierre totally didn’t hold it against me.  He’s rather swell that way.  So, even though my trip ended up taking a lot longer than it should have, it wasn’t all that horrible.  I did get to enjoy the beautiful Iowa/Illinois scenery.  Fields and grass and some silos and more fields and some cows and a couple horses and more fields and lots of trees and two ducks and, well, more fields.  Okay, the scenery is boring as shit, but at least I didn’t see any deer.  Oh, and did I mentioned it rained the whole damn drive?  Yeah, good times, driving in the rain.  In the dark.  And I think I drove past some houses that may have been hit by a tornado or something like that, which was fascinating in a very sad sort of way.  But I made it in one piece and got huge hugs and smooches from my Chloe-girl, so it was beyond worth it.  Yay for me making it here all intact and such!  And I have a whole day of Chloe/Tantie time to look forward to tomorrow!

Byron is a small town I went through on the way here, and I have decided I rather dislike it.  It’s barely even a town, for crying out loud, and I still ended up missing one of the stupid signs indicating that I had to turn off the road I was on in order to stay on the route I needed.  Again.  That was one twisty, turny route, and Byron was a stupid town.  So there.

Randomosity:  Taking a road trip with my brain is a decidedly interesting activity.  I’m driving down the road and the internal monologue goes something like this:  “Oh yea, more fields.  I wonder what they plant there.  Why are the fields so far from the house?  I bet it really sucks to walk in those fields when they’re all muddy like this.  Do they actually have to walk in the fields?  Maybe they just drive tractors or whatever.  Is that a deer?  Oh, no, just a big dog.  Wait, that wasn’t a dog.  I think it was a statue or something actually.  Oh!  Cows!  Cows are cute.  I should totally give up beef.  God, there is like, nothing out here.  Those folks could probably run around their yard butt-naked and no one would even be around to see them.  Well, unless they were driving by like I am, then they might see i suppose.  Huh.  got some trees  now.  Trees are nice I guess.  I mean, they’re kinda key in the whole people breathing thing, so there’s that.  Oh yea, a town.  Do they really have a nameless bar next to that building that looks an awful lot like the house in the Texas Chainsaw movies?  Like, who the hell wants to go hang out there?  I wouldn’t hang out anywhere that looks like it has a slaughter house next door.  And I’m not super into hanging out in nameless business establishments either.  Just asking to end up in pieces in a redneck basement really.  Oh.  More fields.  Yay.”—So yeah, that’s pretty much what it’s like the entire drive.  Well, I’m going to try to sleep now, since a very excited 7 year old will be waking me up far earlier than I care to think about.  Wish me luck on sleeping with this darn Prednisone.

Ta-ta, macaw!

I Think I May Be Over-Qualified, Asthma Still Sucks Ass, Yet Another Example Of How Awesome My Asby’s Are, And More Stuff You Could Totally Live WIthout Knowing

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So yeah, I had another one of those moments tonight at work.  One of those delightful moments when I am struck by the overwhelming awesomeness that is my life.  I was sweeping up the cigarette butts and trash and, like, 40 pounds or more of sand that has been accumulating in our parking lot during the winter.  While I was lugging around the broom and the dust pan and the garbage can, I suddenly had the thought, “That’s right folks, get a bachelor’s degree, and you too can sweep up the crap in the parking lot of this fine retail establishment!”  And then, of course, I couldn’t stop thinking it.  Mountains of student loan debts, years of hard work–all to end up sweeping up the litter in the parking lot.  I know, I know–you’re jealous.  It’s cool though.  Not everyone can be as amazingly magnificent as me.  Jealousy is understandable.  🙂

I ended up visiting the E.R. the other night because, well, asthma is stupid and sucks ass and such.  Ended up getting IV antibiotics, some IV steroid crap and IV fluids and then sent home with a delightful prescription of the vile Prednisone and an antibiotic.  And I only ended up missing a day and a half of work, so yay for that I guess.  But, as I have mentioned, I loathe Prednisone and all the delightful side affects it brings.  This time around, it seems that these will include insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea, muscle spasms, joint pain, irritation, and a tendency to become overheated easily.  Hopefully, that’s it.  I can’t be sure though, since I still have over a week left before I’m done taking it, and it will be another week or so after that before it actually finally leaves my system.  Joy of joys.  Yay Prednisone.

Have I mentioned that my Asby’s are, like, the most awesome friends EVER?  Cause, yeah, they are.  They are letting me borrow their car so that I can go visit my Chloe-oeo this weekend!!!!  I get to hang out with my adorable niece and the sis and the Steve-o for, like, 2 days!  Asthma be damned, I am so going to have a great visit with my Chloe!  I cannot wait!  So a HUGE, GINORMOUS, TITANIC, EPICALLY HEARTFELT THANK  YOU!  I love you to the moon and back, and when I win the lottery/become a famous author, you guys are so totally set for life!

Randomosity:  Why would a gopher gawk at a woman’s butt crack?  The Duluth Trading Company (I think that’s the right name, but I could be utterly incorrect.  Whatever.) may be a bit inaccurate in their assumption that gophers dig this sort of thing.  If they’re right though, I may need to move gophers further up the creepy animal scale.  It’s rather disturbing to find someone’s busted-off acrylic toenail in the parking lot.  Is Bedazzling still a thing?  Like, really?  I’m proud to say I STILL haven’t read Fifty Shades or watched the movie.  If you had to have a couple toes amputated, would your shoes fit funny?  I find it beyond creepy to see people eating food that has a face.  Like, how on earth can you eat something that’s looking at you???  I couldn’t eat beef for months after I spent a few minutes petting a cow at a golf course (which is what you do if the golf course happens to be next to a farm and your friends take your golf clubs away cause you are, apparently, appallingly bad at hitting the stupid little ball in fewer than 10 tries…okay, maybe it took 17 tries to hit it, but that damn golf ball is smaller than it looks).  I don’t even like bones or skin being included, if it had a face, I’d probably scream like a little girl or end up trying to revive it or something.  Just ick.  Is it just me, or did anyone else just get a visual of me trying to revive someone’s dinner at some fancy restaurant while all the fancy folks look on in horror?  Just jumping right up on the table and starting CPR on their dinner–glasses and silverware crashing to the floor, sauces and side dishes flying.  Epic.  How did they figure out that there is a way to eat puffer fish without dying?  Like, after you watched the first couple folks keel over, wouldn’t you just remove that from the possible food options list?  Like, who decided to keep trying?  “Hey, I know Yen just died, but I’m pretty sure it will be okay if we just eat this part here!”  Seriously, who thought this was a winning idea?

I’m outta here, reindeer!

I Kinda Hate Everything, My Brain May Have Some Issues, Peggy the Pirate Chicken, And Other Ludicrous Ridiculousness

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First off, I just have to say–Holy crap I totally spelled ludicrous ridiculousness right on the first try, which seems like it might be a bit astonishing and slightly impressive.

But I digress.

Anyway, I have to admit that lately I have found myself hating pretty much everything.  I mean, even more so than usual.  Like Spring.  And spiders.  And earthworms.  And people.  And asthma.  And allergies.  And crappy t.v.  And people.  And my stupid broken tooth.  And work.  And being poor as hell.  And bugs.  And people.  Yeah, basically, everything is just stupid and I hate it and stuff.  Admittedly, most of my reasons are nonexistent, illogical or downright ridiculous, but whatever.  It’s not my fault shit’s so damn annoying.  Everyone is all excited and thrilled about the arrival of spring.  Yeah, they can just cram it.  Spring’s not that great.  It brings bugs and allergens and spiders and means we’re that much closer to summer, which is also not that great in the world of me.  I hate being hot.  I hate humidity with a passion.  I hate all the creepy crawly little beasties that buzz and crawl and sting and bite and just annoy the world with their existence.  My hatred of earthworms is utterly illogical but disturbingly extreme nonetheless.  And my broken tooth is a legitimate annoyance, being all stupid and broken and such.  And the last week or so my asthma has just apparently decided to lose its damned mind again–acting all obnoxious and bizarre and such.  And people always pretty much annoy the hell out of me, so nothing new or surprising there.  I think I’m done now.  And no, I don’t feel better.  Well, maybe a smidge.  But not really.  How annoying.

So, I’m beginning to think that maybe my brain has a few issues.  Not only does it come up with some of the most bizarrely random nonsense ever (and some of the most inappropriate crap too), but apparently it also loses track of a rather alarming amount of stuff too.  Example?  Yesterday, the 17th, is the first time it dawned on me that it was April.  Like, I sorta just missed that fact for the first half of the month.  I had been writing the date on stuff at work throughput those 17 days, yet somehow I totally missed the whole April bit.  Pathetic and a tad bonkers, right??  WTH????

Randomosity:  What do you call more than one platypus?  Platypuses seems to be the acceptable terminology, but it just seems awkward and borderline obscene and such.  Though platypi would probably be even weirder I suppose, though it would be more fun to say.  And what made me address the whole plural platypus thing?  Simple.  I suddenly wondered if they make pants for platypus…es?…i?…hm.  Platypodes?  Wouldn’t it be hilarious if someone had a pet chicken and one day someone else accidentally shut its little chicken leg in a door and broke it’s little chicken leg, which then had to amputated and replaced with a tiny little wooden leg?  And what if, hypothetically of course, this chicken happened to be named Monica pre-peg leg, but was then renamed Peggy and decked out in full pirate regalia, including eye patch and adorable little wing hook, thus making her the terror of the high roost.  Yeah.  That would be absolutely awesome.  And beyond hilarious.  Now that would be an awesome chicken, which would be unusual, since chickens are rather violent, vile, diabolical and despicable little beasties.  I should really paint my toenails sometime soon.  I bought hair gel type stuff tonight, which is way more impressive than it may sound to folks, since I haven’t owned anything like hairspray or anything like that for probably 10 years or more.  Hm…I just realized I still haven’t eaten anything…like, at all.  I should probably, you know, go do that.

Todaloo kangaroo!

My Cat’s All Old And Such, Another Example Of Why It’s A Good Thing I’m A Hermit, And Other Stuff And Things

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My adorable, rather unsmall, frequently whiny, fairly often frustratingly obstinate, decidedly wimpy, cuddly, lovable, wouldn’t trade him for the world cat turned 13 last week!  He’s may drive me batty at times, but he is my fuzzy kid and I love him to the moon and back.  I gave him a couple of catnip sprayed little mousie toys for his birthday, which he seemed to dig.  Not to sound all braggy and whatnot, but I totally have the best cat ever.

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Aaaaand a picture of my adorable cat, chilling with his new fave (she's such a doll!).  Did I mention that my cat is awesome?

So, the other day, I was walking past the living room t.v. and I happened to notice what my aunt was watching.  It was the day before Easter and there was some religious show on, complete with re-enactments.  And right about the time I paused to see what the show was talking about, they started discussing doubting Thomas.  Now, I have to admit, though I have heard of doubting Thomas, I had no idea he was a bible dude, and I was overall pretty clueless as to what the show was talking about beyond this Thomas fellow and the whole Jesus came back from the dead bit.  So anyway, they said something about how Jesus proved he was really the one and only undead Jesus by having doubting Thomas touch his side wound or whatever.  Now, I am sure this interaction between old doubting Tom and Jesus was very serious and all that in the bible, but it totally lost something in the translation from bible to t.v. re-enactment.  In the re-enactment, Tom just reaches out and pokes one finger into Jesus’ wound.  Because I am me, I saw this and said, “Well it’s a good thing he’s Jesus, ’cause they weren’t big on hand washing back then and dude’s germy finger is all up in his shit.  If he wasn’t Jesus, he’d totally get an infection for sure.”  Which is TOTALLY TRUE y’all.  However, after I said this, I realized that there are many folks out there who would find this comment offensive and scandalous and such.  Luckily, I dislike people as a general rule, and therefore don’t spend a lot of time around them.  The few I do hang out with would either dismiss the comment as just another example of the failure of the switch that keeps my thoughts from just popping out of my mouth, roll their eyes, or laugh their bahookey off.  And if any of you folks reading this find the whole Jesus/germs thing offensive, you either need to find a more P.C. blogger or just suck it up, ’cause that’s just how my brain works kiddies.

Randomosity:  Shockingly, and pleasantly, I had a customer tell me that all of us [ladies at work] are super hard-workers and sweet and all sorts of other uber-nice compliments!  It was so nice to hear someone say such nice stuff about us!  I got my hair done yesterday by my awesome cuz, Erin, and I love it!  It’s a nice, dark reddish brown and I have layers and such–I keep checking it out in the mirror.  This is by far the coolest color I’ve ever had!  Why the hell would someone return a $1 roll of toilet paper?  Seriously, why the hell would you want to fill out the return paperwork just for a stupid $1 roll of toilet paper???  I sure as hell wouldn’t.  My cat is sleeping on my arm as I’m typing this, and whenever I have to reach for keys or try to move my arm in any way, I get a sliver of a glare from one barely opened eye and a snuffly little sigh of martyrdom, then he closes his eyes again and resumes snoring (seriously, he snores rather loud) until the next time.  I don’t know why, but I am so tired I’m practically falling asleep sitting here.  Mocha Coconut Frappacino is odd stuff.  It’s not bad exactly, but it’s not exactly good either.  Scrapple is some truly nasty-looking stuff.  I must say, I do not find anything that delightful in the arrival of spring.  The return of bugs, the upcoming heat and, worst of all, allergies.  Seeing as I am apparently allergic to the entire freaking planet, spring is one of my least favorite things.  I do like one thing about spring though–lilacs.  Lilacs are just awesome.  I totally held three babies Saturday and they didn’t cry!  Weird, I know, but true.  It was rather nifty really.  Boxelder bugs are creepy little beasties.  The idea of people-eating deer is rather unpleasant.

Blog at ya soon, baboon!