Happy ‘You Expelled Children/A Child From Your Vagina’ Day, How To Liven Up A Dance Recital, To Catch A Thief, And Other Mind-Numbing Mumblings

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I feel it necessary to wish all of you (to whom it is applicable anyway) a happy mom’s day, since it is quite impressive that most of you not only expelled a tiny human from your vagina, you refrain from throttling them on a daily basis.  Go you!  You are a far better person than I.  Granted, I do consider myself a mother to my oh so adorable unsmall cat, but that is totally as maternal as this gal is getting.

I went to Dany’s dance recital today, and I have to say, my niece is not only adorable and smart, she’s also quite the little dancer!  As much as I loathe crowds and public gatherings and all that, I plan on going to as many of these dance shindigs as I possibly can.  And Caron and I came up with a splendid idea for making the recitals more lively.  Okay, so maybe Caron made one little comment and I expanded on it rather alarmingly.  So, here’s the idea:  slip in some flasks filled with your alcoholic beverage of choice and create your very own shot game rules.  For instance, every time a dancer comes onstage in a costume that is so unflattering their instructor should be beaten with a brick, take a shot.  Every time you see a particular dancer make that god-awful duck lips face, take a shot.  Every time a dancer stops dancing to wave or pick their leotard out of their behind or pick their nose, take a shot.  You get the idea.  So yeah, got to hang out with my buddy Caron and, as usual, we amused me greatly. And I got to hang out with Miss Danyka between the performances a little bit, which was awesome.  I think my buddy Caron and I need to figure out a way I can see them a bit more frequently.

So we had a nasty little thief issue at work last week.  This vile little skank came in with an empty bag, loaded the bag up with stuff from the shelves, then came up and said she had a return.  Since she had no receipt, she was given a gift card.  She did this 2 days in a row.  However, she was a complete moron.  Both times, she returned enough that she had to show her ID, giving us her name and address.  The first time, she returned one thing, the second time, she returned much more.  Her biggest mistake though?  Screwin’ with a certain selectively social, rather snarky blogger.  I allowed the first return, even though I instinctively felt something was hinky.  After I found out she had returned the next day and returned even more stuff, it became my mission to catch her.  I sat in the office, reviewing our store camera footage, for HOURS.  But I got her!  I found one bit where you can see her coming in with a bag that very obviously did not contain the large-ish item she returned, and another bit where the camera caught her actually putting something in the bag that she proceeded to ‘return’ minutes later.  I got to call the cops and everything!  Sadly, I was not there the night she came in again and the cops were called again.  On a positive note, the skank is banned from our stores.

Randomosity:  My cat is such an ungrateful little fur-faced child!  He totally didn’t get me a darn thing for mother’s day!  I totally met some new amusing folks while over at my pal Krystal’s place the other night.  I found them quite entertaining and such.  It was particularly entertaining to see how amusing they thought I was.  It continually cracked me up to see them cracking up over my stories and such.  I love it when I’m able to amuse folks.  I really need new shoes.  I think if I ever actually went to a Piggly Wiggly, I’d probably end up giggling over the name the whole time.  I hate makeup and I’m super proud of the fact that I STILL don’t wear it.  I was informed once that by the time I was 28 I would be wearing makeup every day.  Yeah, not so much.  Pickles are cucumbers soaked in evil, so it’s probably a good thing I dislike them.  I saw this great button/pin I totally want–it has just one lone penguin saying, “I’m fucking freezing”, which made me laugh hella harder than it should have I suppose.  I also saw these awesome socks that have a delightful little message one the side along with a picture of a little girl with in umbrella.  In the top picture she has the umbrella, in the lower picture the umbrella has been torn from her hands by the wind and she is getting soaked by the rain.  between the 2 pictures it says “fuck this shit!”  Again, laughed way harder than was appropriate.

Gotta bail, quail!

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3 thoughts on “Happy ‘You Expelled Children/A Child From Your Vagina’ Day, How To Liven Up A Dance Recital, To Catch A Thief, And Other Mind-Numbing Mumblings

  1. longchaps2

    How DARE your cat not give you a Mother’s Day gift. Shame on him. I’ll have you know none of my furry children gave me anything either. Bunch of ungrateful, spoiled, free-loaders. Didn’t know you hated pickles. Personally I like cucumbers any way I can get them, evil included. Especially sweet evil incarnate. Oh yeah.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know, right??? Total free-loaders! I totally dig cucumbers…until they reach pickle-dom. Pickles are icky. When my niece was little, she loved pickles. Being an awesome aunt, I would get them for her rather frequently. The only rule was if she was eating them in the car the window had to be rolled down to suck out the stinky pickle smell. Once, when she had one of those honkin’ ginormous pickles, I actually had her stick it out the window ’cause it smelled so strong. Not my finest aunt moment ever, but not my worst either. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • longchaps2

        Lol, you are the finest aunt around, whether you are hanging pickles out the window or not. Not a doubt in my mind. The funny thing is, a couple of my relatives liked to eat those those big dill pickles when they were pregnant. Now doesn’t THAT seem like an oxymoron to you?

        Liked by 1 person

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