Is it just me, or are little boys just about the oddest creatures on the planet? Like the little fella who was walking around the store last night, swinging a poor baby doll by its little arm, the box still dangling from its poor little legs. He was swinging it around with manic delight while screeching “Baby! Mama, yook! Baby! Baby! My baby!” What made this extra hilarious, and a tad disturbing, was the fact that this is the same little guy who lovingly hugs the cars and tractors he usually picks out instead of flailing them around in the rather brutal way he was treating that poor baby doll. And then there’s my little buddy Tien, who begs for people to give him wedgies. My favorite weird little dude tale, however, has to be the incident I heard about last night. My new buddy April has, like, a bunch of crumb-gobblers. Apparently, one of her little gals informed one of her little guys that she had a vagina and he didn’t. When the poor boy was informed that, not only did he not have a vagina, he had a penis and wouldn’t be getting a vagina anytime in the foreseeable future, he lost his shit. He started screaming, “Daddy I want a vagina!” at top volume and sobbing his little heart out. Maybe we could give him a knitted naughty vagina like my friend Noodle has for her naughty stuff parties. He could carry it with him like a security blanket or something. Which is kinda beyond hilarious to picture really. This little fella cuddling his knitted vagina during nap-time, hugging it tight during a doctor appointment, hitting a sibling with it during battle. Lmao!
So, I am totally, like, the queen of wild awesomeness and such. I totally interacted with dangerous wild animals today with no fear. Truly! Okay, maybe they weren’t terribly deadly. Alright, maybe they were about as deadly and terrifying as puppies.
I totally got to hold 5 baby raccoons!! It was awesome! They are so adorable and fuzzy and such. There’s Gus and Bear and Teeny and Tiny and…um…another one. I ended up covered in baby raccoon claw marks and slobber, my hair was crazy from them crawling all up on my head and under my hair and such. And I’m pretty sure I have little raccoon hickeys from them trying to suckle my ears and my collarbone and my neck (they also thought there might be food in my hair, my shirt and most of my fingers.) They’re still very little, so they pretty much think everything should be a source of food. In the first pic, you can see one of them trying to suckle the ear of its sibling! My aunt and uncle found them after they had been clearly evicted or abandoned by their mother and, since they’re awesome, they took them in and have been feeding them and such until they can find them a group or person or whatever to take them in. I so wish I could keep the two littlest ones–they are beyond adorable! And, unbelievably, I don’t think I’m all that allergic to them! Obviously, they have fur so I’m at least somewhat allergic to them, but my eyes didn’t swell up and I didn’t have an asthma attack or break out in hives, so that was exciting. Now I totally want my very own baby raccoon.
I worked from Thursday through Sunday–all Labor day weekend. During those days, I was reminded, over and over again, why I hate people and want to punch them. The old man that ripped into me because we didn’t have an employee within his line of sight the second he needed assistance. He found it utterly unacceptable that one employee was on the register and one was doing various other jobs we are required to do. That old bastard simply could not believe that we couldn’t just go from aisle to aisle, ready and waiting for customers to need us. Yep, wanted to punch him. The lady who barked at me about the ‘pathetic state’ of our gardening selection. Never mind the fact that I do not work at a gardening store or a store with a big old garden center, that our garden section is crammed into a single, anemic aisle. She couldn’t believe we didn’t carry the precise trowel she wanted. Totally wanted to punch her. And the lady that snarked at me because we were out of those little American flags everyone puts out around Memorial day. She was there on Saturday. And she was pissed that she had been to 3 stores and none of them had any of those stupid little flags left. She proceeded to rant and rave about the deplorable state of our country and the heartlessness of the workers at the stores that couldn’t (or, in her opinion, wouldn’t) magically find her some of these flags. As she went on and on about how disgusting it was to be unable to find those damn flags on Memorial day weekend, all I could think was, “We sold all of them to the folks that were smart enough to buy the things BEFORE Memorial day weekend, you moron” Sadly, all I could say is that we were sold out, all while day dreaming of smacking her about the head with one of the big, sturdy American flags we did have in stock. I loathe the human race.
Randomosity: Working 4 long days in a row did a number to me. Me everyday aches and pains are magnified and far worse than I care to admit. I just wish I could get folks to understand what it’s like to work those long days when you have Fibro and bursitis and all the delightful crap I deal with. I totally got bit by a box at work the other night–went to fold it up and the damn thing bit me. I would totally get clothes made for my pet raccoon, and give him a truly grand name of course. I think my cat has a crush on my pillow pet thingy, which is slightly cute but mostly creepy. I’m glad my internet is finally working well enough for me to get this blog done. I was starting to worry that I would forget what I was gonna blog about by the time the internet started working again. Still not working great, but well enough for blogging and such, so yay. My Asby family lost their dog but got her back after much worry and evil neighbor issues and hassles galore–but she is safe and sound at home now and I am sooooo glad. I really like that furry little beasty. So hugs to all my Asbys, including the amazing Elli! Only a few more days till my Titanic museum visit! And my Caron time! Virginia and I took some stuff out to the cemetery today to put on mom and grandma and aunt Linda and grandma Chuck and aunt Rachel’s graves. Not finished, but looks much better. Maybe I should get a fish. Or maybe a turtle. It amuses me to think anyone thinks I’m amusing enough to be a stand-up comedian. I’m not actually funny, I’m just supremely awkward and weird and such, which is amusing for folks. It’s cool to think people find me amusing, don’t get me wrong, I just wish I was even a tiny bit as amusing as some people think I am. Although, admittedly, I have my moments. Sometimes, I’m freaking hysterically hilarious. Unfortunately, mostly I’m just a big doofus 🙂
Gotta jam, clam!