A Battle With Yet Another Inanimate Object, I Was Totally Social And Such, Studied Sleep, And So Much More Pointlessness


While I was at work the other night, I had a rather unpleasant encounter with the machine that counts our money.  This machine is always a bit shady, but that night, it lost its damned mind!  As soon as I removed the 20s from the tray thingy, the machine starts tallying up the 50s in the tray…except there were no 50s there.  So I start trying to clear the info on the dumb machine, but it keeps telling me I have to empty the tray in order to reset anything.  So I start yelling at the machine, hollering, “There is nothing there you dumbass!  There is no $50 bill anywhere near you!  What the hell is wrong with you?  I swear I will smash you into a zillion pieces!”  This continued for several minutes until, finally, the stupid machine decided to stop counting invisible money and behave itself.  I’m pretty sure my threats largely influenced its decision.

I went to my nephew, Zaya’s, graduation party Sunday.  I whined a bunch about the fact that it was going to be outside, which means there will be heat and humidity and bugs and heat and bugs–yuck.  But it was Zaya, so I totally had to go.  And I started to freak out ’cause there would be lots of people there, which is never my favorite thing.  And then I started freaking out ’cause a lot of those folks are people I actually like, which means I actually care if I sound like a blathering idiot in front of them, which is almost a guarantee really, since I speak blathering idiot far more fluently than I speak semi-intelligent human.  And then I couldn’t figure out what to wear.  And then I realized I forgot to get him a card, so then I had to stop and get one when I was already running late. f By the time I actually got to the party, I was practically hyperventilating and over an hour late.  But I think I did okay once I pried myself out of the car and plodded my way up to where everyone was sitting.  I totally talked to people and had some food and gave Zaya his presents, which I think he rather liked.  And Zaya seemed to think his friends approved of his fave obnoxious aunt, so yay for teen approval!  And I really only had one moment where my mouth started spewing forth something my brain was desperately trying to stop me from saying.  Fortunately, I did not end up offending anyone badly enough to get my ass kicked, so there’s that.  I think maybe Tom’s self-sacrificial information sharing bit saved me there–thanks pal!

I went in for my sleep study thing last night, which was about as fun as it sounds.  They hook all these wires and such to your head and face and neck and chest and legs, then stick these annoying little prickly prongy things up your nose and clamp stuff on your finger and tell you to just sleep like normal.  Yeah.  Right.  But I did manage to fall asleep.  Then the lady woke me up to have me sleep on my back for a while.  I do not sleep on my back.  Ever.  So then I had to try to fall back asleep while I was all kinds of uncomfy and slightly snarky about being woken up.  But I finally managed to fall asleep once again.  And then she woke me up again.  To ask me to sleep on my back.  Again.  I finally fell back to sleep.  And then she woke me up to let me know the study was over and I could go home.  Siiiiigh.

Randomosity:  I don’t understand how people can eat oysters.  They look like snot in a shell for crying out loud–yuck!  I really need to paint my toenails.  Less than 2 weeks until I go see the fam!  Yay for Chloe/Tantie time!  I can’t wait!  I wonder WTH is going on with my blog visits today.  I am totally NOT complaining or anything, but I had over 70 views today, which is hella more than than 4 I had yesterday.  Weird.  Groovy as hell, but weird.  Minions are just beyond awesome.  I wonder if we’ll get a storm tonight or if it’ll just be more rain.

Check ya later, gator!


An Armadillo Sort Of Day, Documentaries Galore, I Was Totally All Social And Such, And Further Frivolities


So I went to a bunch of garage sales Saturday, which was groovy.  I do so love garage sales.  I got some pants and a couple Dean Koontz paperbacks and some other random stuff.  Included in the random bits were two armadillos–a little figurine armadillo and a Ty beanie armadillo.  I just had to get the little figurine ’cause it was so adorably bizarre and wacky and such.  And then, when I spotted the Ty beanie at a later sale, I had to get it ’cause what are the odds of finding two armadillos in one day?  I mean, seriously, armadillos are just not something a gal comes across every day.  At least not in Iowa anyway.

I’ve been watching more documentaries, which I know is totally shocking and all.  The first one I watched was quite educational.  It showed the woman with the largest natural breasts on record.  They were mind-blowingly ginormous.  They weighed over 80 pounds between the two of them, and she’s a size 102 ZZZ!  For craps sake, each breast is larger than the average 4 year old!  Can you imagine have knockers that big?!?  You could kill an innocent bystander just by turning too quickly!  Death by giant boob!  Anyway, the second documentary I watched had I chick with backwards hands and feet, a fella whose head permanently flops back and rests between his shoulder blades, and a guy who has the same thing the elephant man had.  Then yesterday, I watched a documentary about this horrifyingly hillbilly family that is the epitome of all that is wrong in the world.  It did make me feels all kinds of better about myself though, I must admit.  Oh yeah, and I watched a documentary about the KKK, which made me want to throw things and such.  Those people are so ignorant, it’s frightening.  And they make absolutely no sense.  They kept saying that they don’t hate black people or anyone else, but then they said that they want this country to go back to being a white, Christian nation the way it was in the beginning.  Which is absolutely bonkers, since all the white folks emigrated from other countries.  Have I mentioned how very much I dislike stupid people?

So yesterday I totally hung out with my Asbys for a bit!  They gave me uber nummy nachos for supper and we watched the hillbilly documentary.  I was totally social and such!  It was almost like I have a life or something!  I do so adore my Asbys!

Randomosity:  Allergy testing sucks.  It was nice to be told I’m not allergic to the planet after all–just cats and dust and ragweed.  Every time I get an allergy test, they tell me something different, which is baffling.  But I’m digging this whole being allergic to only three things idea.  I wonder what would happen if I started carrying a taser.  I’d probably end up in jail for tasing everyone who irritated me.  It would be awesome to be able to tase all the folks that make me want to punch them.  Why do so many big, rough-looking criminals end up hollering for their mama?  I find the idea of Donald Trump being president rather disturbing for some reason.  Probably ’cause of his hair.  Really, it’s rather unnerving.  This car commercial cracks me up–the one with the old dude and the Viagra.  Amusing stuff, that.

Gotta go, dingo!

How NOT To Act When You Get Pulled Over, Pool-Side Tarantulas, A Busy Summer, And Other Stuff Nobody Cares About


So several weeks ago, I got pulled over less than a block from work.  I had just done my little OCD closing ritual of pausing on my way out of the parking lot just long enough to double check that everything I can see is good to go for the next day (safe doors shut, fans off, no big messes on the counters, etc.).  I know, I’m a dork.  Anyway, I did my little quick double check, then headed home.  When the lights started flashing behind me, I immediately thought, “Crap, they probably totally think I was casing the joint or something!”  This was followed by, “Oh crap!  The only time I forget my wallet at home, I get pulled over!  OMG I don’t have my ID with me.  This is so Virginia’s fault!  She just had to jinx me!  Crap.  I’m toast.”  (And it totally was her fault too–she stopped by my work and I mentioned that I forgot my wallet and she had to go and make a comment about driving without my ID and how I better hope I don’t get pulled over.  Totally jinxed me.)  So anyway, the cop comes up to my window and I look up at him all worried and ask what I did wrong.  And this is how or exchange goes from there:

“Well, hopefully you haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Well then why did you pull me over?”

“You have a license plate light out.”

A license plate has its own light?!?  

“Oh.  I’ll let my uncle know.”

“Just need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.”

“Yeah…okay…um…funny thing about that.  Here’s the paper stuff from the glove box…not sure what’s what there…but…well…I actually don’t have my ID.  I always have my wallet on me when I go to work, but I totally forgot it today somehow.  So my ID is at home.”

“Okay, just go ahead and give me your name and social security number then.”

I did so, careful to spell my name out for him and everything.

He calls it in on his little shoulder radio thingy and hands me back all the paper crap.  While I’m stuffing it back into the glove box, I hear a crackly voice on the radio thingy say “Subject not found.”  The cop glances at me and repeats everything, making sure the radio listener knows its my name and my social, not my ID number.  And this is when things went abominably awkward.

“I swear I’m really me.  I mean, that’s totally my name.  It’s not an alias or somebody else’s name I’m using or anything.”

“Yeah, we’ll just give her another minute here…”


The crackly voice comes back through the radio, insisting that I cannot be found.  He asks me something or other, then updates her and resumes his ‘cop waiting’ pose next to the car.

“I promise that’s my real name.  I am totally not exciting enough to need an alias.  I mean, I am totally boring really.  I don’t carry drugs or knives or guns or bombs or anything like that.”

“Well that’s good to know.”

“I mean, I don’t even know how to shoot a gun, so why on earth would I carry one around with me?  I do want to learn though.  Where can a person learn to shoot a gun anyway?”

After a second of stunned silence, the cop says he thinks there is a guy in the nearby town that gives lessons.  Now, in my defense, the entire time my mouth is spewing this deluge of dimwittedness, my brain is trying desperately to make it stop.  Unfortunately, my mouth ignored my brain entirely.

“And I totally don’t do drugs, though I could probably point out dozens of potheads and tweakers around town.  I mean seriously, I’ve learned more about manufacturing meth since I moved here than I ever thought I’d know.”


“Yeah.  Not that I would ever make meth.  Meth is super bad.  Rots your teeth.  Makes you all weird and twitchy.  Makes sores bust out all over your face.  Just nasty.”

“It is pretty awful stuff.”

“Of course, I’m pretty boring, I mean, I don’t even drink more than once or twice a year, so no way would I ever get into drugs.  If you guys ever want to catch meth heads, you should just watch our store and arrest them when they come out with their ice packs and batteries and such.  They’re not exactly sneaky about it.”

He gives me his card at this point, telling me to feel free to contact him if I have info on anyone in particular.

“So do you get to tase folks very often?  I was totally hoping the officers would tase the little creep boys they arrested down the street from me one night, but it just didn’t happen.  It was kind of a bummer.  I mean, not that I wanted them to make the officers’ job any more difficult, but I just really want to see someone get tased.  It’s so awesome when they get tased on Cops.  It’s probably a good thing I’m not a cop and I don’t have a taser.  I’d be all tasing folks for everything, just cause it’s amusing.”

Finally, my mouth stops its evil rambling.  The cop finally receives confirmation that I really exist, then makes a rather hasty exit after telling me to make sure I get the light fixed.  The poor man probably thought I was a loon.  Siiigh.

I have a friend that lives in Texas, and I am fairly convinced she and her hubby are bonkers for moving there.  I mean, it’s hot there, so there’s that–a big strike against Texas right there.  Then, today, I see a pic on FB  of the FRICKIN’ TARANTULA that showed up next to their pool!  She slapped a basket thing over it and walked away from it.  ?!?!?!  She didn’t burn the house down or have a heart attack or anything!  Me?  My ass would been gone Amityville style y’all–leave everything behind and hit the road.

I realized something tonight–I have an awful lot of plans this summer, especially considering I’m very much selectively social and all.  If I successfully maneuver things and get the time off work, then I have a grad party, a bday party, a court thingy, a week-long trip to go visit the fam, and, possibly, a class reunion to attend.  I probably won’t end up being able to go to all of the events, since it’s summer and other people will want days off work too, but I’ll probably make it to most of them.  Makes me exhausted just thinking about all that social interaction.  Except the week with the fam of course.

Randomosity:  I totally have a fuzzy, hot-pink little TY hedge hog! We got them in at work and I just had to have one.  I think I might name her Petunia…maybe.  I can’t wait to go to some garage sales Saturday!  It is totally going to suck to go with out any allergy meds Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning/afternoon.  Darn allergy testing.  I hope my pal Krystal is feeling better.  Pickle juice popsicles–what kind of a nut-job came up with that one?  I cannot wait to spend a week with Chloe and Carrie and Steve and Elise and Alex (okay, so I only get to see Elise and Alex on the weekend while I’m there, but I am ecstatic they could find any time at all, considering how busy they are!)  I can’t wait for Chloe to tell me all about their trip to Disney and all that–they’re going for a little over 1 week (I think) and they’re heading out this weekend.  I hope they have an awesome time!  I could really go for a taco.  That color commercial is getting on my nerves.  I bet it would be awesome to have a service monkey…like a little spider monkey.  You could take it with you everywhere and dress it in little monkey clothes and it would be totally adorable.  I think I may have mentioned this before, but I really need new shoes.  I’m getting rather tired of my allergies and asthma acting all irksome and such, feeling miserable one day, okay the next.  It’s so freaking annoying–bring it on or back off darn it.  Preferably back off.

Word to your mama, llama!