So it turns out I may be a smidge sexist, though I’m still rather undecided about this conclusion. I mean, I am totally guilty of expecting dudes to smoosh spiders, deal with car issues, and open stubborn jar lids, but that’s mostly because I kinda totally suck at that stuff and doesn’t have much to do with the whole male role ideal. Like, seriously, I am totally okay if a chick wants to smoosh the spider for me, just ask my friend Krystal, whom I have dubbed the bad-ass, spider-killing ninja. However, I recently realized that I do I one little issue that may be a teeny tiny bit sexist–I have no problem with a man dating a younger woman (within reason of course) but I find it basically unacceptable for women to date younger men. For instance, I have recently met a fella who has expressed interest in me, which is rather nifty. But he is younger than me and it’s totally freaking me out. And I mean, like, way younger–12 years to be exact. Now, while freaking out about this, it occurred to me that I have dated men that were more than 12 years older than me, and it never bothered me. So why is it that dating a younger man seems totally awkward when dating an older man seems totally acceptable? I mean, don’t get me wrong, when I say older men, I am not talking about guys that are old enough to be my father or anything–that sort of ‘older’ is just plain icky. But anyway, I just can’t decide if this whole age issue makes me sexist or not. I shall have to give this some more thought.
Okay y’all, I have a totally brilliant idea that I’m going to share with you. I have discovered an amazing, and as of yet unrealized, source of home defense. I immediately saw its potential and just knew I had to share it with my loyal readers. So, I went online and found a couple pictures, since I wasn’t able to get any pictures when I first spotted it. So, without further ado, The Great American Challenge!
Now, I know what you’re thinking–how has no one else spotted the potential home defense this gem clearly offers? Crazy, right?? Anyway, just think about this: you’re home alone and some whack-nut breaks in and looks at you like a fat kid looks at birthday cake. Now picture whipping this beast out of a bedside table or from under the bed! If the sight of this alone doesn’t get him rethinking his idea of you as easy prey, just hit him soundly about the head and shoulders until he loses consciousness, which should be relatively quickly since this monstrosity weighs, like, 25 pounds and is one solid hunk of intimidation. And it could work for auto-theft prevention too! Just attach it to the steering wheel like one of those Club thingies–no one is going to want to fuck with your car when they spot this strapped on there! Don’t need home defense? It would also make a dandy pet or mascot! Just give him a jaunty hat and a swell name, and you have the perfect pet/mascot! Seriously, who doesn’t need their very own G.A.C.?
I was watching one of those caught on camera type shows and saw a surveillance tape that showed a man robbing a clerk, which is, in and of itself, not all that shocking really. The shocking part is when the robber hit the gun on the counter and somehow managed to accidentally shoot both the clerk and himself. The clerk survived but the robber managed to kill himself pretty much instantly with the accidental shot. Um…wow, right? That’s pretty much how things would go for me if I tried to be all robber-y except I wouldn’t die from accidentally shooting myself. Instead, I would be all maimed and broken and such but would totally live through it and get to hear the laughter and mockery over my robbery prowess and such. I also saw an awesome clip with a little old lady chasing off a handful of armed hooligans with her swinging old lady purse! Like, she totally ran over from somewhere out of sight and charged into the middle of this group of dudes breaking into a store, and she just started swinging that purse for all she was worth! And the dudes took off like they were on fire–it was hilarious! I wonder why there aren’t more octagonal-shaped donuts. I really need to vacuum and do laundry tomorrow. August is going to be rather insane for me–working a lot, several doctor appointments, get my tooth fixed (yayayayayayayay!!!!!!), court, etc etc etc. Why are they so mean to Sasquatch in the Jack Links commercials? I need more pennies if I’m ever gonna get this bank thingy filled with them before I die of old age. Miscreant is kind of a delightful word to say. I think I’ll have to start using it more often. What ever happened to Riverdance anyway? Like, one minute it’s all the rage, the next minute it’s like it never existed.