Turns Out I Might Be A Tad Sexist But Maybe Not, The Newest In Home Defense, And Some Other Stuff

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not cute awkward...wth is wrong w u awkward...

So it turns out I may be a smidge sexist, though I’m still rather undecided about this conclusion.  I mean, I am totally guilty of expecting dudes to smoosh spiders, deal with car issues, and open stubborn jar lids, but that’s mostly because I kinda totally suck at that stuff and doesn’t have much to do with the whole male role ideal.  Like, seriously, I am totally okay if a chick wants to smoosh the spider for me, just ask my friend Krystal, whom I have dubbed the bad-ass, spider-killing ninja.  However, I recently realized that I do I one little issue that may be a teeny tiny bit sexist–I have no problem with a man dating a younger woman (within reason of course) but I find it basically unacceptable for women to date younger men.  For instance, I have recently met a fella who has expressed interest in me, which is rather nifty.  But he is younger than me and it’s totally freaking me out.  And I mean, like, way younger–12 years to be exact.  Now, while freaking out about this, it occurred to me that I have dated men that were more than 12 years older than me, and it never bothered me.  So why is it that dating a younger man seems totally awkward when dating an older man seems totally acceptable?  I mean, don’t get me wrong, when I say older men, I am not talking about guys that are old enough to be my father or anything–that sort of ‘older’ is just plain icky.  But anyway, I just can’t decide if this whole age issue makes me sexist or not.  I shall have to give this some more thought.

Okay y’all, I have a totally brilliant idea that I’m going to share with you.  I have discovered an amazing, and as of yet unrealized, source of home defense.  I immediately saw its potential and just knew I had to share it with my loyal readers.  So, I went online and found a couple pictures, since I wasn’t able to get any pictures when I first spotted it.  So, without further ado, The Great American Challenge!

great american challenge purple in package10005261gr

Now, I know what you’re thinking–how has no one else spotted the potential home defense this gem clearly offers?  Crazy, right??  Anyway, just think about this: you’re home alone and some whack-nut breaks in and looks at you like a fat kid looks at birthday cake.  Now picture whipping this beast out of a bedside table or from under the bed!  If the sight of this alone doesn’t get him rethinking his idea of you as easy prey, just hit him soundly about the head and shoulders until he loses consciousness, which should be relatively quickly since this monstrosity weighs, like, 25 pounds and is one solid hunk of intimidation.  And it could work for auto-theft prevention too!  Just attach it to the steering wheel like one of those Club thingies–no one is going to want to fuck with your car when they spot this strapped on there!  Don’t need home defense?  It would also make a dandy pet or mascot!  Just give him a jaunty hat and a swell name, and you have the perfect pet/mascot!  Seriously, who doesn’t need their very own G.A.C.?

Randomosity:

am i the only one who shot the hell out of this giggling bastard?

am i the only one who shot the hell out of this giggling bastard?

I was watching one of those caught on camera type shows and saw a surveillance tape that showed a man robbing a clerk, which is, in and of itself, not all that shocking really.  The shocking part is when the robber hit the gun on the counter and somehow managed to accidentally shoot both the clerk and himself.  The clerk survived but the robber managed to kill himself pretty much instantly with the accidental shot.  Um…wow, right?  That’s pretty much how things would go for me if I tried to be all robber-y except I wouldn’t die from accidentally shooting myself.  Instead, I would be all maimed and broken and such but would totally live through it and get to hear the laughter and mockery over my robbery prowess and such.  I also saw an awesome clip with a little old lady chasing off a handful of armed hooligans with her swinging old lady purse!  Like, she totally ran over from somewhere out of sight and charged into the middle of this group of dudes breaking into a store, and she just started swinging that purse for all she was worth!  And the dudes took off like they were on fire–it was hilarious!  I wonder why there aren’t more octagonal-shaped donuts.  I really need to vacuum and do laundry tomorrow.  August is going to be rather insane for me–working a lot, several doctor appointments, get my tooth fixed (yayayayayayayay!!!!!!), court, etc etc etc.  Why are they so mean to Sasquatch in the Jack Links commercials?  I need more pennies if I’m ever gonna get this bank thingy filled with them before I die of old age.    Miscreant is kind of a delightful word to say.  I think I’ll have to start using it more often.  What ever happened to Riverdance anyway?  Like, one minute it’s all the rage, the next minute it’s like it never existed.

Ta-ta, macaw!

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Bad Blogger-No Cookie, Butts Of The Petting Zoo, That Time When Being Fat Was Life-Saving, And Mounds Of Miscellaneous Crap

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Okay, so I might be the worst blogger ever, since I haven’t blogged in ages and all.  I could use the excuse that I was on vacation, visiting the family and all, for an entire week.  I could also whine about having to deal with some seriously stressful and emotionally exhausting family shit.  I could even throw in a little pity party about having to work almost every day since I got back.  But really, it’s easier to just sum it up with this:  Shit’s been a mix of awesome and utterly shitty for a while, and I just didn’t have it in me to blog.  I apologize profusely to my loyal readers, and promise I will try to do better…or at least suck less at posting more frequently and such.  On a positive note, I have tons of crap to tell y’all, so here goes!

So I got to go visit the fam for 7 whole days!  It was mostly beyond awesome, with a bit of hellacious shittiness thrown in here and there.  But, as always, it was so amazing to spend so much time with my adorable Chloe.  We did all sorts of nifty stuff!  We went to 2 movies (the minion one and that inside out Disney movie), which were both really cute and funny and all that.  And we went to the pool and the library (I totally have a reader crush on their library!) and the aquarium and on a couple train rides and we saw a 4D movie and we went to Gigi’s Playhouse and a petting zoo.  It was all very fun and rather nifty and all that.  I must say though, those petting zoo critters can be downright snobbish!  It started to feel like all we saw was the animal’s butts as they blatantly snubbed us, turning their backs and trying to ignore our presence entirely.

DSCN3156 DSCN3167

DSCN3154DSCN3161butt of duck...petting zoo...7.8.15

hehehe...Carrie is totally playing the Vanna thin quite well..."and heeeeeere's another butt" lol

hehehe…Carrie is totally playing the Vanna thin quite well…”and heeeeeere’s another butt” lol

On my way to Illinois, I was barely a mile from my house when I spotted a bald eagle, which was pretty awesome since I’ve never seen one so close-up before.  Anyway, I’m oh-ing and ah-ing over the eagle and I realize that it appears to be struggling.  It kept struggling to take off, only to pretty much crash back down.  Just as I was starting to get really worried that it was hurt or something, I realize what’s happening.  I watch the eagle try one more time to get air-born, when it’s obvious it just isn’t going to happen, it finally lets go of what it had kept stubbornly clutched in its talons.  I started laughing when I saw the fat little furry critter tumble from the eagles clutches and land rather unceremoniously on the ground.  After a second of stunned stillness, the chubby fuzzball took off into the field.  Can you imagine what went through that little critter’s mind when he realized he was on solid ground again?  “Imdeadimdeadimdeadim…not dead.  Holy shit…I’m alive…ohmygawd I’m alive…hahaha!  take that you rotten eagle bastard!  the guys are never gonna believe this shit…”

And now for some pics of my trip that do not involve animal butts!

how frickin' adorable is this kid?!?!?!?

i love this little girl with all my heart and she adores her auntie.  and how could anyone not love her?  i mean, how frickin’ adorable is this kid?!?!?!?

so glamorous!

so glamorous!

those are her new noise-reducing headphones--which she LOVES!  they made it so she could enjoy the movies and the train rides and even the loud hand dryers in bathrooms, which became exciting rather than terrifying. (she has a lot of noise anxiety)

those are her new noise-reducing headphones–which she LOVES! they made it so she could enjoy the movies and the train rides and even the loud hand dryers in bathrooms, which became exciting rather than terrifying. (she has a lot of noise anxiety)

again with the gang sign thing...such an oddball! lol

elise and chloe…adorable sister moment…except…again with the gang sign thing…such an oddball! lol

alex and elise...such a cute couple!

alex and elise…such a cute couple!

my nieces are oh so graceful and composed and such!

my nieces are oh so graceful and composed and such!

Randomosity:  I finally have a phone that actually works!  Like, I push the button to call someone–and it does!  And I can type a text message!  And even send it!  Granted, getting this nifty new phone took several hours of frustration and irritation yesterday, but it’s all good.  It’s incomprehensibly difficult to love someone who makes you want to throttle them pretty much constantly.  cauliflower is good stuff.  I totally got hit on by a fella who’s probably way too young for me, though he was a cutie and all.  It was rather interesting.  The torture chamber Geico commercial is fracking hilarious.  Gigi’s playhouse is pretty awesome–it will be a great resource for Chloe!  I should probably wrap this up for today, save some stories for another day.  Besides, I gotta take Pierre back to Tom.

I’m outta here, deer!