Do I Look Like Doctor Freakin’ Doolittle Or Something, Kinda Like Christmas In Nerdville, And Other Stuff You Simply Need To Know…’Cause Reasons


I like animals as a general rule.  I mean, like, the likeable ones anyway.  You know, the cute and cuddly ones and the adorable ones and such.  Not like snakes and similarly horrifying creatures.  Yeah, definitely not snakes.  Fuck snakes.  They’re just icky.  But most critters are quite likeable.  (oh, and bats. Bats are totally NOT likeable)  So when I see an adorable little froggy fella outside of work, looking like he’s patiently waiting for someone to open the door so he can hop on in, I totally just have to tell everyone.  Or if I see some fat little critter that looks sorta like a beaver without a tail, I share that one too.  Inevitably, when I tell my critter tales, someone has to go and be all, “Well, was it a frog or a toad?”  or “Was it a groundhog maybe?”.  Like, do I look like Dr. Doolittle or something?  How the hell do I know if it’s a frog or a toad?  It’s not like it was wearing a little sign that said ‘I am a frog’ or something.  It’s a little hoppy critter that lives outside.  That’s the totality of my knowledge folks.  And if I knew it was a groundhog, wouldn’t I have said it was a groundhog?  Seriously, I didn’t even know we had those here!  For all I know, all groundhogs live in Puxatawney and are named Phil.  Just listen to the damn story and don’t ask me stuff I can’t answer.  Sheesh.

So I had to go meet with some guy the disability determination people decided I needed to talk to in order to prove I have issues or something.  Anyway, I had to meet this feller at the shiny new public library in Cedar Rapids.  I had not been to the C.R. library since the old building was destroyed in the flood in 2008, so it was quite fascinating.  So I had my meeting thing (shock, surprise, I apparently do have issues!  Shocking.) and decided to ask the library folk how I could get my fine paid off so I could eventually have a library card again.  See, many moons ago, I ended up with a rather sizeable fine thanks to some ‘friends’ of mine and a hospitalization and stuff.  So I went up to the library lady and asked how I could set up some sort of payment agreement.  So she typed my name in…and then typed it again…and then asked for the spelling again…and then tried switching my last name and first name…and then misspelling my first name…then asked if I have ever had a different name.  I told her I have definitely never had a different name.  At this point she informed me that I was not in the system.  I asked if it was because it had been so long and she informed me that fines and accounts are NEVER deleted.  Then, she asked me if I wanted a library card.  Seriously.  DID I WANT A LIBRARY CARD???  That’s like asking my cat if he wants food!  Of course I wanted a library card!  I couldn’t speak without shrieking in happiness, so I just nodded at her enthusiastically…very enthusiastically.  And as she took my ID and typed all my info in, I stood there trying desperately not to break out in a happy little dork dance.  And then , she held out my shiny new library card.  Y’all, I swear a beam of light illuminated that card and angels sang the hallelujah chorus as I reached for that beautiful piece of plastic.  And when she told me I could check out up to 99 items, I actually squeaked in delight.  And the she showed me the little basket on wheels with the nifty little handle–like a little shopping cart for books nerds, and I was so giddy I giggled.  By that point, I think the library lady was beginning to feel a bit unnerved by my giddy excitement.  Lucky for her, I happily took my little nerd cart and set out to fill it.  21 books and a totally high-tech and beyond nifty check-out later, I left.  It was truly like Christmas had come early to nerdville.


Is it just me or is it kinda hilarious when someone who qualifies for the senior discount says stuff like “OMG”?  I think I’m one of the only people I know that hates summer and heat and humidity and being outdoors and spending time in nature and all that sort of stuff.  Still waiting to get the title for the car so I can get the registration taken care of and then actually drive it.  Siiiigh.  I think anyone over the age of 6 should have to keep their money in wallets or purses or something like that–no wads of bills kept in pockets, bras, socks, underwear, etc.  In fact, no crumply wads of bills at all…none.

Gotta go, dingo!


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