“It’s Between God And The Placenta”, Coolest Jailbirds Ever, Finally Driving, TWD…Just, Why???, And Other Tidbits of Tedium


I totally socialized!  On purpose!  Yay for me!  So anyway, I went with my Asbys and we had dinner and played Cards Against Humanity with Mr. and Mrs. Tattoo Guy.  It was totally fun and I was only, like, one card from winning or whatever.  I also said what may be one of the niftiest things I have ever said.  While debating which card should win, I actually said, “It’s between God and the placenta”, which amused me to no end as soon as the words left my mouth.  I know, I’m a dork.

My new pals, Colten and Chelsie, are beyond awesome!  They are amusing and entertaining and all sorts of just plain delightful.  And then they got even cooler.  They actually went to jail for stealing….Trump signs!  They were trying to be neighborly and community-minded and purge our town of rubbish and the next thing they knew, they were headed for the clink!  I have been singing their praises ever since.  Yay for my new heroes!

I am finally driving my car!  And it’s totally legal and everything!  I have officially named her Betsy (Bettina Olivia St. Sassi, ’cause she’s kinda adorably bad-ass and sassy and boss and such).  So happy to have my own transportation finally!  Thanks again to the sis and adopted bro and Miss Sierra!


Oh, Walking Dead, why????  Why would you do such a cruel thing?  I have been a loyal fan since the beginning, forgiven you for killing off Tyreese and Beth and Hershel and Dale and so many others.  I can even forgive you for killing off the source of the best one-liners ever.  But Glenn??  GLENN?!?!?!?  Not cool, y’all.  Not. Fucking. Cool. wd-maggie-and-glenn


So I’m watching this documentary called Hate Rising and I kinda want to punch somebody in the face.  You know a group of people are truly stupid when they not only believe whites are somehow superior, they actually cheer in AGREEMENT when a woman says, “We were given this land and now we need to take it back”….and she’s wasn’t joking nor was she Native American.  Just wow.  Robby got me a new philodendron (yay for spelling that right on the first try again!) and I have dubbed her Philomena.  Thanks again cuz!  I have scheduled my hand surgery for December.  I cannot wait for this stupid carpal tunnel crap to cease and desist.  Why don’t they make tooth filling stuff neon pink?  What, exactly, do the crown jewels include?  Why aren’t there more blue or purple plants?  Mean people suck balls.  I don’t want to work tomorrow, just ’cause I don’t.

Todaloo Kangaroos!


Possibly The Best Story EVER,Hooker Heels And Classy Vans, A Moldy Penis Would Be Beyond Uncool, And Other Such Stuff And Thangs


So, I was told not to share this story, which I totally agreed to at the time.  But as time passed, I realized it would be just plain wrong to keep this gem to myself.  And since a bunch of time has passed since the incident, I just can’t resist sharing it now.  I was working one night, cleaning the bathroom (just my fave task ever!).  I finished cleaning and went to grab a new roll of that awesome public restroom toilet paper.  While I did this, a customer went into the bathroom.  As soon as she was done, I went in, changed out the t.p. roll, and went back out to start sweeping.  The woman I was working with went in to use the restroom, only to come back out rather quickly and hurrying into the office.  She came back out a couple minutes later to let me know the police would be arriving shortly.  Well, being the boring, nosy person I am, I asked what was up.  Well, it turns out that lady that used the bathroom after I cleaned it, yeah, she accidentally left her drugs sitting on the sink.  A nice little baggie of meth.  And, according to the cops that showed up thereafter, really high-quality meth at that.  Now, I had no actual idea what meth looked like prior to this.  I mean, it’s not like they do a super close-up on Cops or Intervention or whatever.  I mean, you usually see this little tiny piece of stuff that looks like a cross between a piece of pocket lint and a tiny little chunk of flour or sugar or something.  So I totally made sure I got several good looks at the baggie o’ meth (which really looked nothing like what I had imagined).  So anyway, my coworker and the cops went out to chat and I went back to doing my work stuff.  When my coworker got a call, I simply took her the phone and went back to work.  Well, a bit later, my co-worker returned and she was absolutely convinced that the lady would be returning for her forgotten meth.  So the cops hid their car and then hung out out of sight to wait for Ms. Meth to return.  And the idiot did return.  She walked in one door, spotted the cops, went right out the other door, which even I know was not exactly a genius move.  I mean seriously, at least buy a pop or something so it’s not completely obvious you were coming in specifically to retrieve your illegal drugs.  Dumbass.  Sadly, not only was she not sprayed or tazed, she didn’t even get arrested.  It was a total bummer.  It was only later that shift that I learned the truly genius detail that makes this the best story EVER.  It turns out that there was a reason my co-worker was so certain Ms. Meth would be returning for her drugs.  SHE FRICKIN’ CALLED!  That was the call I handed over to my co-worker.  The woman actually called to see if my co-worker would hold onto the meth for her until she could come back in to get it!  Like, WTEFF??  How exactly does that call go?  “Excuse me, I left my meth in your bathroom, can you hold onto it for me?”  And no, my co-workers are not good buddies–the chick is just that dim.  It was a rather awesome and exciting evening overall–kinda like being on Cops but without being arrested or anything.

I went to Goodwill last week, which is always entertaining.  I saw these delightfully classy heels:

Which, as far as I can tell, where created solely for hookers, strippers, or for some sort of costume.  Schnazzy, huh?!?  Then, in the parking lot, I was forced to kinda block traffic so I could snag a pic of this ah-mazing van:


There is so much awesome in this picture y’all.  First, note the window air conditioner in the back window there.  Then, take note of the fact that this totally looks like a creeper kidnappy sort of van.  And finally, the coup de resistance, the sticker proclaiming this to be the shaggin’ wagon.  So awe-inspiring.

Kids are hilarious.  My dear friend Krystal’s little guy is particularly amusing.  You may remember him from previous blogs, since he often amuses me.  Anyway, little man is not quite 7–his birthday is this month.  Well, one night he shoved past his mom in a desperate dash for the toilet.  After he finished peeing, he looked around and, rather frantically, asked his mom if there was any toilet paper left.  Krystal was understandably puzzled and reminded him that boys don’t really need toilet paper after they pee.  Looking slightly appalled at the suggestion to just kinda ‘shake it off’ a bit, he told her, “But mom, it’s still a little bit wet!  I can’t leave it wet!  It will get moldy and then we’ll have to cut it off!”  Lord that kid cracks me up!


Current fave term for a certain loathsome presidential candidate: the American Cheeto!  I think my work bestie Desi and I should start our own business–we can see books and hooker heels and all sorts of bizarre odds and ends.  No reason really, just sounds fun.  This will come as a shock to y’all, but I am, once again, coughing and wheezing and all that fun stuff.   Yay.  Couldn’t even work yesterday and had to go to the ER today since the urgent care folks told me not to bother waiting for them and just head over to the ER.  So I did and they gave me a breathing treatment and a shot of antibiotics and an IV bag of Solumedrol (steroids…and I totally spelled that right on the first try!!) and prescriptions for Prednisone and an antibiotic and said Wednesday, if I’m better, I can go back to work, but if I’m still sick I have to go back to the ER.  Just yuck.  My buddy Caron once had a radar detector with radar detector detector deflector, which is kind of awesome to say.  The new Slim Jim commercial with the old lady and the that’s what she said line?  BEST. EVER.

Gotta go, dingo!